He didn’t want to send it as a text, but he knew a phone call would have been worse. Waiting until I got home might have made logical sense, but he knew I was waiting just as much as he had been.

I had already alerted my class as I don’t ever have my phone notifications on and I’m never glued to it like I was. I explained I was waiting on some news and I promised them it would be turned back off the moment I heard.

But when it came, as prepared as I thought I was and as vague and nonspecific as the results still remain, I couldn’t breathe. I read his words and stood frozen in my spot. More tests. Back to U of M. Concerns but without diagnosis. I turned around and stared out the window of my classroom at the playground and forced deep breaths in and deep breaths out, but it wasn’t helping. There’s too much history. Not just because this is almost a year ago exactly to when he discovered a sore in his ear that led to removal of the malignant melanoma a few months later, but because of my mom, his dad, his sister. It’s a well worn path of cancer diagnosis that doesn’t feel easier because of the familiarity but instead feels all that more terrifying – even though we don’t know for sure.

I thought about calling the office and asking someone to cover my room for a few minutes but I honestly didn’t think I could speak. I picked up my water bottle and walked out of the classroom, tears rolling down my face by the time I reached the door. I saw a colleague in the hall, but didn’t look up or speak and she didn’t stop to talk. I struggled just to walk to the refill station and fill my bottle back up. I just stood and tried to breathe, tried to calm myself, tried to push it all down. I wasn’t ready to return to my room so I stopped at the copier and let the rhythm of my copies lull me back into a more rational and less emotional state.

When I returned to my room, I dried my eyes before entering and did everything I could to smile and act normal. The kids were still working quietly, God bless them for that gift, as I had been gone longer than I ever am.

At lunch I called James and he explained exactly what had been said and exactly what tests were being ordered. A full-body PET scan, a head MRI and a lung biopsy at this point, but perhaps others to come. Concern over the lungs for sure, but also the thyroid. Orders for the tests were put in as asap, so the urgency wasn’t just something we felt but was a concern to the surgeon as well.

The rest of the day was a blur. I finished comments on report cards but I don’t know if I could tell you what I wrote. I updated my emergency sub plans and put together lessons for Thursday when I know we will be in Ann Arbor for at least one of the scheduled tests. A co-worker told me about something for one of my students and I stood and nodded but I struggled to have any interest in what she was saying.

At home, we spent the evening helping each other focus on the positives, but the ghosts are alive in our house. We both have more experience that we’d like with the processes and procedures that come with the diagnosis we don’t know for sure and so we didn’t say out loud.

For now, we need to breathe. Just breathe.

Only sometimes, it feels impossible to do even that.