We spent three days in the hospital this week. James’ kidneys are struggling and the doctors at our local hospital, with agreement from his oncologist pumped him full of constant fluids and did scans and x-rays to determine what they might do to ease his pain and help his organs function better. Turns out, the cancer is solely to blame and the new treatment just isn’t able to work fast enough to fix the problem.

By the time we returned home, the slightest exertion caused him such shortness of breath that it scared us both. We took a long look at our options and came to realize that hospice is the only thing that will bring him comfort, and so we made that heartbreaking call.

There is nothing, absolutely nothing that can prepare you for this moment. When you say, “For better or for worse,” or even, “In sickness and in health,” you don’t envision watching you beloved sign a DNR form, or watching cancer take away their ability to move without pain. We both were present when one of our parents went through this same process and yet we still feel emotionally ill-equipped.

The service coordinator for hospice was here this afternoon and they have already coordinated with their physician and changed several of his medications to bring more immediate relief from all of his pressing issues. Tomorrow, all the equipment will arrive and we will set up the bed near the bedroom window where he can watch the snow fall and the deer frolic and the birds on the feeders.

This time of year is about peace and joy and love. My prayer now is that all the joy we have created together and all the moments of love we have savored between us will be enough to bring him peace. For there is nothing that I want more for him right now than peace.