There is no easy way to describe the past year. There are no words that can adequately explain the journey my heart has been on or all the ways I have struggled. Last night I thought I would break completely. I felt nearly as shattered as I did a year ago. I curled up under his blanket and I cried and cried. This morning, when I woke, I knew something had to give. I knew if I remained in this space for any longer the grief would consume me. I knew that change was necessary and that I was the only one who could make it happen. I had no control over the cancer that took him, no control over losing my beloved, but I had to find a way to control what happens next.

I walked into my bathroom and took off my ring. I put it in the dish next to my sink where his ring lies, along with a couple bracelets and some earrings. Later, I will move it to the safe, but I just cannot look at that ring all day long any more. I cannot be reminded every second of every day of the thing I no longer have. I am not married anymore. It is a fact that I despise, but it is truth and my only way forward is in truth. James is gone. He cannot return. Forward is my only option and I have no choice but to move in that direction alone.

I started cleaning, working on projects previously left undone. I need to claim this space as mine and I need James to exist in all my precious memories and not in false belief that he is going to grab his hat from the top of the fridge and put on his boots waiting by the door. I have spent a year wishing he were with me, months and months screaming over his absence, days upon days crying for the loss I feel without him. I suspect, if he were here, he’d tell me with a heart full of love to, “Throw some dirt on it.” My wounds will never be gone, but it’s time to forge ahead, finding my path once again.

My love for James isn’t “over,” I’m not “moving on” or trying to erase what we had. My love for him is complete. He was a part of my life I will forever treasure. I know it will not be easy. I know this grief will live in my heart forever. I know I will always think of him, miss him and remember him. But it’s time for me to figure out who I am without being his wife anymore. It’s time to start writing the next chapter.