1. The light switch works in both directions. (You knew that one had to be on the list, it might as well be first!)
2. While driving should be taken seriously, keeping your hands at 10 and 2 is ridiculous.
3. How to catch a softball with my cheek.
4. That mini-golf is a competitive sport.
5. You shouldn’t always let on that you’re better than your opponent. (He played ping pong left-handed for years against some of our friends, just so they might stand a chance of winning.)
6. Marriage is till death do you part. And that’s not easy.
7. Twizzlers are a food group.
8. It’s always good to have a game plan.
9. A note card in your pocket can provide you with a grocery list, the measurements for the shelf you’re looking for, an important phone number, a reminder of your dentist appointment and all sorts of useful information.
10. Lawn care is a full-time job.
11. Members of our family can fix just about anything. Except their own vehicles.
12. It’s best not to try to even fix an old vehicle. Avoid the issue entirely by trading it in every three years.
13. You can hate swimming and still own a boat.
14. Sundays are meant for church and napping through a sporting event (I learned this one early and well!)
15. Soda is actually ‘pop’ and should come in a glass full of ice.
16. DisneyWorld is a wonderful place and you WILL.HAVE.FUN.THERE. (dangnabbit)
17. You can live your whole life without ever eating an onion or a green pepper. (Although Judy has brought him a long way!)
18. Even if you’re just there to chaperone, you should always dance.
19. (But bring along a sewing kit just in case they play “The Twist”.)
20. A sense of humor is key to a good personality. If you can’t take a joke, you don’t belong here. (oh, my poor ex-husband…)
21. Before leaving the house, make sure you have your keys, a pen, and wintergreen Lifesavers in your pocket.
22. It is critical to own both a truck and a minivan for the two occasions each year when they come in handy.
23. Rules are important to enforce. Until you become a grandparent.
24. You can actually retire a full year early if you never use a sick day.
25. Expect to run into someone you know everywhere you go. Even Mexico and Hawaii.
26. It is possible to be a “cool” high school principal and still maintain your authority.
27. Never climb a ladder to the roof without telling someone first.
28. McDonald’s advertises the wrong price for their orange juice.
29. Cheerleaders are worthless.
30. So are cats.
31. It is possible to actually enjoy women’s basketball (if you’re over 55 and live in the Knoxville area…)
32. Saving for retirement is worth every penny.
33. It is possible to vacation every couple years in Mexico and NEVER drink the tequila. ( I have not actually tried this myself…)
34. Checkbooks should be balanced to the penny.
35. If the cucumbers cost more than $.69/pound, they aren’t worth it.
36. Cantelope is actually called “musk melon” (and can be eaten with salt and pepper)
37. If you run errands on Saturday morning, bring home doughnuts. (Mmm…Swiss Maid…)
38. There is no reason to EVER be late.
39. “It’s good enough for who it’s for.”
40. Sometimes disappointment is the only emotion a parent needs to show to prompt change in their children.
41. Forrest Gump is a great date movie.
42. Even if you don’t drink alcohol, you can go through all the preparations to select the perfect bottle of wine and still fail to impress a date if you forget you don’t own a corkscrew.
43. No matter how old you get, giving a mixed tape is still romantic.
44. You can go your whole life knowing only one song on the piano if you know just when to play it.
45. Retirement (aka ‘lawn care’) might keep you so busy that you’ll need vacations just to relax.
46. The only insult that should ever be uttered in road rage is, “Good manuever, Gadoover!”
47. Screwdrivers should have names (beyond just ‘flathead’ or ‘phillips’ there’s always ‘Bertha’)
48. So should cars.
49. Driving ten miles out of your way to save two cents on gas makes sense.
50. Cheetos are nutritious.
51. You can marry your best friend twice in your lifetime.
52. God answers prayers, just not always on your timeline. (All those years you prayed for a son…)
53. Being a wedding video-ographer is harder than it seems. (Glad you kept your day job!)
54. It is possible to put three kids through college (and braces and extra-curricular activities…) and still retire in style without being the CEO of anything. (I keep praying this holds true!)
55. If it swims, it’s not an option for dinner.
56. Loving your children equally doesn’t mean loving them the same way.
57. Sometimes a hug is the best thing to say.
58. If you can make tomato soup, you can cook. (I still can’t make it though…)
59. Just because it’s called a ‘garage’ doesn’t mean it shouldn’t be as spotless as the kitchen.
60. Olive Garden only makes lasagna.
61. It only gets better after 60. Happy 61st, Dad!! I love you!

It has been perhaps five years, since I reluctantly put his number into my phone one night at the bar. I thought it was clever, at the time, to put people in with celebrity names, so that when or if they ever called, it would seem as though someone famous was calling me.

“Richard Gere!” I exclaimed tonight when I saw him. His blue eyes unmistakeable. The same salt and pepper beard, closely trimmed framing the adorable face I never should have walked away from.

“I wondered if you would remember” he said.

“How are your boys?” I asked. Wanted to ask so much more than just that. Where has the time gone? Would he still ask me out with such persistence today? Would I still decline as I did back then? Back when being single was too new, too fresh, too unfamiliar for me to make sense of it.

“Good,” he replied. “How is Jacob?”

Points for remembering my son’s name after all this time.

I asked what he had been up to.

‘They’ were supposed to go four-wheeling this weekend but it had been canceled. He had asked me to go, all those years ago, in his Wrangler. With his two sons and his awesome dog. I had declined. I wasn’t ready. I couldn’t look into blue eyes like those and say yes. I wasn’t ready to say I was single. Even with the divorce long since over, I was too new at dating, too scared of what it meant, too afraid to commit to even a date with that amazing smile.

He asked about my dog, my cats, my life. He remembered all the names, all the details. He remembered me. I couldn’t forget that face. Those eyes. My decline. My mistake.

I took his left hand and laughed when I said, “not married, yet, huh?”

“Engaged, actually,” was the devastating reply.

I wished him great joy. Unbelievable happiness. All the best.

And I walked away wondering. All that might have been different.

If that night, five years before. When he so innocently and so tenaciously asked me out. Just for the day. To go for a drive. To go four-wheeling. To have some fun. To laugh. To let go. Could I? Wouldn’t I?

But I said no.

And now, she has said yes.

G arrived at the airport and ran to his gate because the people-mover was broken. Arrived at the gate to find it was the WRONG gate, his gate was at the opposite end of the terminal. Ran. Fast. Boarded plane. Plane backed up from the gate, got out to the runway, discovered an engine problem. Like, it wouldn’t start. Taxied back to the gate. Sat.

Sat.

Sat.

They took off passengers who had connecting international flights.

Sat.

Passengers were told they had fixed the engine problem and would now be preparing for take-off. Passengers were told they would actually still land on time, despite the hour delay. Hmm…

Then they found another problem.

Sat.

Sat.

Sat.

Disembarked.

G stood in line about 357 people deep at the gate counter trying to find resolution.

G calls me for the 14th time this afternoon.

“Um, sis? What do you call it when they are putting you back on the plane? Re-embarking?” I said, “If they are putting you back on the same plane, I would call that WORRISOME!”

G is supposedly going to be inflight shortly on the same plane that has already been declared unflyable. If he still lands on time (15 minutes ago) I will seriously be concerned.

Prayers are welcome.

For awhile now, we have allowed LM to stay at home by himself on a school holiday. It has allowed me to actually use my meager vacation days as actual vacation days instead of Martin Luther King, Jr. day or a Day-Off-Because-The-Teachers-Need-It day. I give him a short list of things to get done, he still has to practice his trumpet but then he usually fills the day with watching movies from the DVR or playing computer or PS2 games. He’s done very well with this over the past year and actually looks forward to a day off now with no anxiety at all about being on his own for the day.

Today, in addition to being a school holiday, we have the extra bonus of being a class night, meaning I leave straight from work to go to class and won’t get home until nearly 10pm.

I would never dream of leaving LM from 7am until 10pm by himself and I know that isn’t what will happen today as my brother will be arriving home sometime around 5, when I would normally be home from work.

The trouble is, LM doesn’t know anything about G’s arrival.

As I’m hurrying around last night trying to unload groceries and clean out the dog crate (for the second time in the same day – anyone want a dog?) LM mentions says, “I’ll be just fine tomorrow, Mom. I just get a little nervous when it gets dark, but I’ll be okay,” and I realize that he thinks he’s on his own for the whole time.

Oh Horrible Mom of the Year Award, here I come.

I don’t know what to say without ruining the surprise. I tell him I’ll try to leave class early. He assures me he’ll be just fine. He’ll turn on lights, and shut the blinds. I remind him to keep the door locked and to take the dog outside before it gets dark and then to just wait until I get home and I’ll take him out again. I remind him that he has about 5 weeks of Survivor episodes to catch up on, and perhaps if he just curls up on the couch with his blankets and pillows and Eli at his feet and just watches those once it gets dark he won’t even realize how fast I’ll be home!

He’s fine. He promises me. I reassure him that I wouldn’t do this if I didn’t know for certain that it will be just fine. He says he knows and tries to reassure me that he’ll get through it just fine.

I know that when he sees my brother at the door tonight (if I can get him to actually open the door – he knows not to when I’m not home. Mental note: Tell G the password!) he will be beside himself with excitement. He has no idea that G is coming and will be over the moon to see him.

I just hope he forgives me for causing these butterflies in his stomach today.

My brother, G, found an incredible deal on a flight and is coming up from Georgia this weekend to see us!! YIPPEE!!! I cannot even begin to tell you how excited I am to see him! Oh, but don’t tell LM, it’s a surprise!

P.S. If ever you’re looking for a cheap fare, check out the package deals. Even if you don’t need a rental car, as it turns out, it’s cheaper to get one with your flight than just the flight alone! And we wonder why so many airlines keep going bankrupt!

I rearrange often. I always have. And it’s frankly just better if everyone just stays out of the way until I’m done. It might take me hours to get it all just how I want it. And even when you think I couldn’t possibly move one more thing, I’ll still futz around with this knick knack there or that plant here. It takes awhile for me to get just the right balance of things.

It had been awhile since I had rearranged. Mainly because we the television we bought a couple years ago is just a tad too beastly for me to handle on my own. A few months ago, however, I got the itch and LM and I set to task to get everything moved.

Knowing that my strengths flow along the creative design and NOT the technological, I asked my techno-geek child if he thought he could handle all the cords and plugs and making sure that they were all in the right place after I moved things. Not only was he confident, he was enthusiastic about his role in the operation. He would handle all technology functions. I would handle the rest.

It took him a long while, that day in December, to get it all back the way it should be. It wasn’t until several days later, when I watched a movie, that I realized it still wasn’t quite right. I just didn’t think Jodie Foster should be a pale shade of blue. I’m certain she has better skin tone than that. I was able to find the cable that wasn’t in the right place and remedy the color issue without much issue.

So, this weekend, when we acquired a new armoire (courtesy of craigslist.com), I had serious talks with my Technology Consultant before we even began to attempt to relocate all the equipment once again. LM assured me he had it under control. There would be no color-errors this time around, he promised. Jodie Foster’s complexion was going to be just fine. His confident tone exceeded my own, but I left it in his hands.

As I puttered around with this and that I quickly realized that LM had in fact devised an infallible system. Not to make the same mistake twice, he utilized the equipment at hand to ensure his success.

His answer? Take digital pictures.

(Don’t you love how the picture is on an angle?
Apparantly that doesn’t hinder the method from working.)

I only missed 40 laps of the Nascar race while we moved equipment and got it all settled into the new armoire. We finished putzing around with the knick knacks last night and have reached a mostly finished arrangement. All devices, speakers and remotes seem to be working in fine condition, thanks to LM’s genius plan.

Isn’t it purty?

Ta Da!

Last night, Eli and I went for a walk around the neighborhood.

The first warm evening of Spring, I went barefoot.

Eli brought along his favorite toy, a stuffed mallard duck, holding him gently in his mouth as we walked.

And we were both very happy indeed.

Anyone who knows me at all knows I wanted more children. I can remember vividly the day I started (and ended) conversations with my ex about a second child. LM was a surprise, but I never intended to stop with just one. When pressed, my ex admitted he would have been just fine without any children at all. Well, there was no need to then discuss a second one. Our marriage did not dissolve for that reason (see also, “When Your Husband Comes Out of the Closet: Why the topic of future children is moot”) but it didn’t help matters any either.

I thought I would surely remarry. Never would I have guessed that six years would pass since my divorce and I would be remarkably single (my last date was when?) and prospectless. I thought even if I didn’t have more children of my own, perhaps I might meet a man who also had children and I would welcome them into our family unit as my own.

But this is exactly where I stand. I will turn 36 this summer. I have an eleven year old child. I have no fiance, boyfriend or date for Saturday night. Tick tock, tick tock.

I started thinking a couple years ago about other options. About getting back to a career that involves children (maybe use that private school education degree after all?!) but I realized that filling up my days with children doesn’t fill up my home with them in quite the same way. I started to explore some ideas, but never got very far, deciding for myself that being a single mother with a 2-bedroom home limited my options. I have been trying in vain over the past year to relocate to be closer to my sister, my neice and my nephew (okay, you too, Bear!), but that’s not a door that God has opened for me yet.

I began to think outside the box.

When I finally made contact with a foster-placement agency, they welcomed me in with open arms. I reminded them, hey! I’m not married! They said, so?! I said, well, I only have two bedrooms, and a little boy sleeps in one and I sleep in the other! They said, so?! I said, well, um, I have pets! I have a job!! I have…well… they said, “a lot to offer?!” And I nodded. I do. I have a lot to offer.

And so last Thursday, after a boost of encouragement from a new friend (who feels like an old friend, if you know what I mean) I headed off to the first of 12 weeks of foster parent training. I had to put my guilt in check as I sacrificed my short Thursday night time with LM in order to attend class, sending him off with his dad. I had to push aside my fears that Eli would completely freak out for being put back in the crate for the second time that day. I had to resist the urge to convince myself yet again that I would not be good enough, or eligible enough, or safe enough. I went.

For the first two hours of class I felt as though God’s hand was on my shoulder, holding me in my seat, securing in my mind the confidence that I not only belonged there, but that this was his intention for me. Kids. That need me. Would come into my care. And I could hold them. And love them. And give them back, or give them to an adoptive parent to love and cherish them. And if, God willing, we were graced with a child we could not let go of? Adoption is not ruled out as an option, but only if we want to.

But it is through challenges that we are taught to rely on God. It is through the obstacles that we test our own faith and see if we are able to relinquish the reigns on our own life to God, who knows a better plan for us than we could ever imagine.

Foster parents are given (roughly, on average) $15 per diem reimbursement for a child. This is to cover food and clothing, and, as I sadly realized, child care. Knowing that child care was not just an option for us but a requirement, I quickly made phone calls to see what costs amount to nowadays. I’ll just say this: WAY over $15 a day.

I’m still making calls. I’m still exploring options. I’m asking everyone I know if they have ideas, or know someone, or can help. If God wants us to foster, He alone can make this possible. I will trust.

And I will pray.

Somewhere, there is a little child out there who belongs in our home. I just know it. I just know it. One way or another, I am not done with one.

I’m not sure what all the fuss is about. I’ve heard lots of mentions of folks reading this book, and when I picked it up a few weeks ago at B&N the sales woman even said she hoped to get it read before long as it was “all the buzz”.

It’s not a bad book, it’s just not a particularly great book in my mind, either.

Water for Elephants tells the story of a man looking back over his life and how he fell into his job working for the circus. I’ve always been more frightened than amused by the circus and this novel points out all the reasons why flaunting the bizarre and making famous those better left in obscurity have kept circuses from becoming truly legitimate professions in our culture.

Like carnies, the characters in the novel seem to be weak minded, easily manipulated and overpowered, as the masses that attend the circus themselves. The plot line was nothing unusual – an unexpected turn of events forces a young man to make a sudden and drastic break from the life he had been living. Through his journeys on this new path, he meets proportedly unique characters who teach through bad experiences more often than good. There is romance, so familiar to most novels (a love that cannot be expressed for various reasons, yet in the end finds a way to become reality to the two main characters). There is violence and sex, neither one necessary in the depths the author presents.

Water for Elephants is an easy read. Unique enough in subject matter only because of the circus angle, the rest of the novel’s outline easy to pick out and predict. The characters are truly forgettable, even if certain portions of the story stand out for some time later, they are truly only episodic of circus life and not contributary to the plot or character development.

An interesting novel, but a forgettable one. Not one I would really recommend.