I think I once shared my adoration for Amazon.com’s “list of recommendations” that the site personalizes based on prior purchases and any input on what I own and what I’m not interested in. Having sold my books and stopped my personal book-buying habit, the only books I’ve bought recently have been gifts. I now use this list to generate titles I might be interested in borrowing from my local library. Based upon Amazon’s current list of recommendations for me, I seem to be completely Star Wars obsessed (LM), but I might also enjoy the Hardy Boys (LM), The Black Stallion (Little Bird) and Walter, the Farting Dog (George). (I’m not sure that Louise Erdrich, Barbara Kingsolver, Kent Haruf and Jodi Picoult enjoy being listed alongside a flatulent canine.)

I cannot for the life of me get my dog trained to not bolt when he sees another dog approaching, not to bark and lunge at a cat in the window, or to not drag me halfway down the street to say ‘hello’ to a dachshund, but having taken him through the bank drive-through ONCE before, where he witnessed the psychological test, I mean magic, of a milk bone arriving in the carrier, tonight, unbeknownst to me, Gabe had been salivating in the back seat since we arrived and upon hearing the bell, I mean sucking sound, indicating my deposit slip, I mean, a treat, was on the return, he tried with all his 200-pound might to jump into the front seat to get his head out the window, sharing his slobber with my t-shirt and causing Pavlov, I mean the teller, to nearly fall over from a fit of uncontrollable laughter.

It’s no wonder I can’t pick up men at the grocery store when I walk in with a t-shirt full of slobber and little chewed bits of milk bone.

Part of me doesn’t even want to document my current struggle for fear of the repercussions that will flow in the comments but I’m nothing if not honest so bear with me (and tread softly, please).

Over the past year I have documented my love and frustration with my dog. He is truly a great dog, well behaved in the house, an excellent companion, loveable, great with LM, and obedient. I have welcomed people into my home that were wary of such a large breed and have been able to quickly put them at ease with his obedience and pleasant demeanor. I have invested an inordinate amount of money and time into training Gabe and have seen many successes come from that investment.

However, I continue to have increasing problems with him in the yard and on a walk to the point that a walk around the neighborhood is virtually impossible (for fear of running into another dog). I have socialized him regularly at the dog park and kept him exercised there but I obviously still have a need to just be able to take him out in the yard several times a day. He has never once been aggressive towards another dog, but will take off towards one (or a cat, or any animal he might see) to go investigate and play. Being 200 pounds, it’s not usually well-received by other dogs and owners.

To give my dog up is heartbreaking to me. I love him. I love his company when LM isn’t home. I love to sit with him at night while I watch football. I even love to hear his comforting snore beside me each night while I sleep. I love him, I truly do. But not like I love my child. I recognize that he is one of God’s creatures but I also recognize that he is a pet.

I have been researching rescue organizations that specialize in large breeds. I’d like to know that he could find a new home where he would have the ability to run and play without being so anxious in his own yard. It breaks my heart to even think of him gone, but I know that he would be adored by someone in that situation and would make such a wonderful pet for someone. He would be easy to love.

I know that the stress of trying to do best by my dog and best for myself has been weighing heavily on me lately. I am eager to move out of my condo mainly to accommodate the needs of the dog (not that I don’t want my own home, but I could be more patient about it if this need weren’t so pressing).

I know there are people who feel that a pet is like a child and cannot fathom giving a pet away under any circumstances. I can understand your position. Do not think I am heartless for mine. I have to do what is best for the whole family, Gabe included and I don’t think I’m giving that to him here. I don’t think I made a bad decision by choosing a mastiff to begin with, he’s been a delight, he’s been well trained and extremely wonderful in all the ways I knew he would be. It is impossible to know what dogs will have these sorts of issues and which won’t. If he were a jack russel, I could certainly just yank him back when he threatened to bolt but he wouldn’t be any more fun to take on a walk, either.

I guess what I’m asking is that if you could just say a prayer that a good home would be found for Gabe and to help me keep my focus on how he might bring happiness to another family, too, I would appreciate it. LM knows nothing about this process, but will if anything should appear to be final. If you strongly disagree with me, if you could just save me the personal blow this one time and NOT leave a comment, I would appreciate it. I am struggling with this enough as it is.

I mentioned last week that I was considering subscribing to DirectTV and the NFL Sunday Ticket. I did quite a bit of research, including talking with DirectTV subscribers (my neighbors) and to the guy at Circuit City (where their sign up deal wasn’t nearly as good as the one on the DirectTV website) and to my family. I called DirectTV twice before ordering and also spoke with my cable company to insure I had all the information to make an accurate comparison before making my decision.

After confirming with DirectTV that I could indeed receive my local channels and that I could receive my locals in HD, and after deliberating for quite awhile about whether to get an HD/DVR all in one unit, or to get two separate receivers and spend the money I would have spent on the HD/DVR lease for a second TV, I finally decided I had enough information and had verified all critical points.

So I subscribed.

The woman who took my order was wonderful. Cheerful and informative, she verified again that I would receive my locals in HD. She took down my information and said it wasn’t a problem that I didn’t have a phone line in my home (I only use my cell phone currently) she’d just make a note on my account. When I asked what the phone line was needed for she said it was used to order Pay Per View shows. I said that wasn’t a problem, as I didn’t use PPV. She not only gave me the current promotional price (saving me $15 a month over cable in the long run), she also told me how to receive $10 more a month off my bill for the next 15 months. I was thrilled.

But I was also concerned. My condo has northwest exposure. The satellite dish needs to face southwest to receive the signal. My neighbor pointed out that he still had a second unused dish attached to his balcony, (from a neighbor that had since moved out) and perhaps they could simply run the wires from there.

The installer came out 3 days after I placed my order and was confident that he could not only run the necessary cables from the already attached dish, but he could tuck them up under the edge of the siding so the condo association wouldn’t even notice (it’s not against the regulations, but with my association, they’d find a way to make it a fineable offense). I was thrilled. He asked me where the phone line was that would hook up to the television. I reiterated that I didn’t have an active phone line in the home, and even if I did, it was across the entire living space from where the TV was, so I didn’t want it hooked up. He said he would call that in and let them know and would make a note on my account. He went on to install my new HD/DVR.

Once the dish and cables were in place (threading them over the porch roof and into a window), once the HD/DVR was in place, the installer asked me what channel I had been watching prior to setup. I said, NBC/HD. He said, “you realize you won’t be able to get your locals in HD now.” I said, no, they had checked and I was able to. He said I should call Customer Service because he didn’t think I could.

He ran the setup for the HD/DVR and got me mostly squared away before departing.

I immediately called Customer Service to ask about the HD local channels. I was passed around from one attendant to another until I got to Mike. Mike told me that indeed, I do have local channels AVAILABLE in HD in my area, but because I have the HD/DVR receiver (as opposed to just an HD receiver) the dish that’s required to get the locals in HD isn’t able to communicate with this receiver so NO, I don’t have locals in HD. He assured me this was something that DirectTV was working on and they would have a new receiver available in the fall that would be capable. I said that doesn’t do me any good now. All my Sunday night football games are on NBC now and I wouldn’t have them in HD. “Lost” is on ABC and wouldn’t be in HD. Nascar is often on NBC and likewise, would not be in HD. This was a problem. He assured me that the DirectTV signal was better than cable anyway, even if it wasn’t in HD and that I might still enjoy the clarity even if it wasn’t HD. Uh huh. He asked what he could do for me. He said he couldn’t assure me that I could get a new receiver for free when it became available but he’d put a note on my account to do “everything possible to work with me” to get one. Uh huh. He also offered to compensate me by not charging me the $10 HD service fee for the first four months. I thanked him, but explained that the HD service was already FREE for the first four months with the package I had ordered. He said my account didn’t currently reflect that. I said, it’s your standard promotion that’s on your website, how can it not reflect that?!

So, I was frustrated but figured I could manage to not have locals in HD for a couple of months. (The real downside was that with DirectTV there aren’t “non-HD” channels per se, so the screen had to shrink with bars on each side to accommodate the channel if it wasn’t broadcast in HD. Comcast didn’t do this.) I called Comcast and canceled my cable now that everything seemed to be working and was the best it could be. It was, afterall, still cheaper than my cable even if I didn’t get the locals in HD.

Last night, one night after having the service installed, I went to the guide to see what movies I might want to record from the myriad of premium channels I was getting for the first four months (might as well fill up that DVR before I cancel all the movie channels!) When I tried to record a show, I received an error message saying that in order to finish set-up of my DVR, I needed to hook up a phone line and place a test call. It went on to explain that a phone line was necessary for DAILY updates and service for my DVR. Uh huh. I was not thrilled.

I called DirectTV.

The long and the short of it is that after being transferred to SEVEN different people, in a phone call that lasted more than an hour, and after getting contradictory information from multiple people, the conclusion is this: It is true that I cannot get my locals in HD with the receiver I currently have. Even though it is an HD receiver. Even though the rep and the two technicians that I spoke with thought otherwise. Nope. No deal. It is also true that the DVR REQUIRES a phone line for operation. Despite the fact that the rep and the installer both had this information and did not for one moment suggest it would be an issue.

I asked to cancel my account. I was transferred again. After much waiting, and learning that their system was “down” and he would have to “manually take this information” they explained that they would “send a box for me to ship the HD/DVR receiver back in”. I said, “When will they come to take the dish down and to get the cable off the roof?” Oh, they don’t do that. They just leave the dish up. I said, “No. You will come and take it down and make it just like it was before you were here.” Well, he just didn’t know if they could do that, it wasn’t standard practice…but a rep would call me tomorrow to tell me how to ship my DVR back and I could talk with them. Uh huh. I was not thrilled.

I asked when my account would be credited. He said he didn’t know because he was taking the information manually. After going back and forth for several minutes I told him I would call back tomorrow to verify that my account had been credited and to schedule a time for someone to come take the equipment back.

I called Comcast. The woman at Comcast immediately canceled the order to terminate my service and asked if someone had counter-offered when I had called in to cancel originally. I said no, they just set up the cancellation. She put me on hold and came back with an offer to reduce my cable bill for the next six months as a thank you for coming back to them. I thanked her profusely.

The outcome? After all is said and done, I went from paying Comcast $80 a month to an offer from DirectTV that would have ultimately cost me around $60 a month, to now paying $40 a month for the next six months.

This morning at 8:15 I received a call from DirectTV. It wasn’t the rep calling to arrange pick up of their equipment, it was a woman welcoming me to DirectTV. I said, “I canceled last night.” She said, “oh” and hung up. Uh huh. I was thrilled.

In a small notebook we found in her dresser, my mom had recorded (amongst other things) the cost of delivery when my brother was born; the hierarchy of cards in a pinochle game (albeit in the wrong order); and, her three goals in life: to be a good wife, a good mother and a good Christian.

She never went to college and only worked for a short while as a dental assistant before becoming a full-time mother of three and the wife of a high school administrator. She never aspired to political office, never amassed large sums of wealth or fame. Her dreams were simple. And she was a success in all three.

Diagnosed with a brain tumor at 34, my mom seized every opportunity to share love, share her joy for life, and share the gift of a loving God. She never met a stranger she couldn’t befriend and share the message of Christ with. No one in my mother’s life was insignificant. She couldn’t change the world, couldn’t change the course of the disease, but she could choose how to live within it, and to live full of life and love no matter what the circumstance.

It is easy, when drowning in the waves of the menial and mundane to wonder our place in this world. Head on a pillow it is difficult not to dream of higher aspirations than to successfully potty train a toddler or to help a child navigate around the school bully. We curse the constraints that we think hold us back, finances, education, exposure. It has become the American Way to be wrapped up in work, achievement and recognition. Success is defined by property, wealth, a legacy of prosperity to hand to the next generation. We do not allow ourselves to believe that to simply love each other, to raise beautiful children inside and out, to spend time cultivating relationships and truly listening to each other is enough. We think there must be more to life than piles of laundry or a sink full of dishes. We think it is up to the famous, the wealthy, the leaders of the world to make great changes. We do not realize the power is within us. Touch one life, touch the hearts of many. To love each other is no small thing. We are all significant.

A stay at home mother of three from a small Midwestern town, my mother was embraced by God on August 10, 1993. She was 46 years young.

Her funeral was standing room only.

I’m looking into changing from Comcast Cable to DirectTV for a couple of reasons and I am looking for any feedback that anyone has on the subject. I’m very interested in the NFL Sunday Ticket, which DirectTV is currently offering at $70 for four months (with all local channels and several premium ones, too). It looks like that increases to $99 after the four month period (although I’m trying to find out from them if I can at that point only subscribe to a more basic programming option instead of the premium one since I have no interest in HBO, etc.) I currently pay $80 for my comcast cable (in order to have the HD channels and the DVR) so it’s really not that much more for the DIRECT tv option unless I’m really missing something.

Any help anyone has would be greatly appreciated!!

Thanks!

Man at the Bark Park: “Ew! Your dog keeps getting drool on my shorts!”

Me: “Do you have treats in your pocket?”

Man: “Yes. Why? Does he want one?”

Me: (Too busy banging head on picnic table to answer.)

So I did. I drug my butt out of the house last night for the first time in awhile and went to play in a free poker tournament at a bar I used to frequent. It took all of my gumption and courage to actually go and once there I was reminded of why I so rarely hang out with real live people. They are weirdddd.

So that you understand, this poker “tournament” is hosted by a company that offers such things at various restaurants every single night of the week at lots of locations in my local area. It’s free to play and the prize is usually a gift cert to the restaurant you are playing at. This particular venue hosted bull riding, pool tables and dancing on top of a game of cards so that, while seated at our card table you were forced to try to see the cards with flashing strobe lights and the sounds of “Boot Scoot Boogie” blaring in your ears (I am a girl who happens to know how to Boot Scoot, so I’m not saying that in a derogatory way, just so you get an idea of the concentration level or lack thereof in the game.) The man to my left was adorned with tattoos and was intent on giving off an impression of poker superiority, an end to which he horribly failed at. Each time he found himself one-on-one with another player at the table, he talked about his hand and how he had read the opponent’s hand and on and on and on in such a way that it was easy to see he actually knew very little about the game (he never forecasted the opponent’s hand correctly) and always ended up with a terribly losing hand of his own. He also thought it was clever to show me his hand when I was out of play as if I wanted to see how badly he played the game. The woman to my right was distinctly the opposite. She was intent on managing our table according to WSOP (World Series of Poker) rules. When a player across the table from me threw in 20 chips, it may or may not actually be a bet of 20, he may have needed change out of the pot, so it was difficult with the way people threw in their chips to always know what the current bet was, and who was next to wager, or who was even in the hand. Queen of the Table would correct people who wagered incorrectly, would stop play if we went out of order, and even rose up to divide the chips in a pot that she wasn’t a part of!! Um, honey, we’re in a BAR where you can barely see or hear and we’re playing for a gift cert. I think he can string bet if he wants to. No one is really paying attention anyway.

So, with 24 people who started the tourney, I went out when there were about 10 left. I actually went all in on a hand that I figured I’d lose but I had had my fill of second-hand smoke and the Rules and Regs of Poker under such conditions.

I also got my eye full of men in wife beaters, scantily clad women who really thought they were sexy dancing to Shania Twain and a woman who thought she was so good at riding the bull she’d stand on it barefoot and ride. Um, yeah, about that head injury..

Will I go back? Probably. I like to play cards. I got to dance once or twice. And the place wasn’t packed like it is on a Saturday night, which I enjoy. I do wish the smoke didn’t have to be a part of the atmosphere, however as I have a raging nicotine headache today. But it is a good reminder of how strange some people are. I hope none at the table went home to blog about me.

I could say a hundred things today but none of them seem to matter.

I miss LM. I miss him terribly. It has been a month and I have until the end of this one before I will lay eyes on him again. Today, it seems too much to ask of me to wait. I just want him home.

But for all the ways his experiences this summer has stretched his soul and touched his heart, I will leave him be.

Becoming a mom, and the process of childbirth was far easier and less painful than being a mom.

I’m still reading the classifieds and working all the angles I know to make a move back “home”. I am. But I don’t know if God’s decision last week was a “No” or a “Not now” and so in light of that, I’m not sure where that leaves me “in the meantime”. I hate my job. I do perhaps 10 minutes of work during an average 8 hour day (absolutely no exaggeration there). I was recently told that I can’t read a book at my desk (despite having NOTHING to do) and so my feelings of apathy and discontent continue to grow. But why would I change jobs here in PA if I really just want to change jobs and move to MI? But if I’m not moving to MI, shouldn’t I be trying to find a more fulfilling job here? And I still want a house, a single family house with a small yard. I do. But if you put in my mortgage requirements and my zip code (even the surrounding area, which would increase my commute significantly) there are ZERO properties available. Single family homes in my neck of the woods do not come close to being affordable to me. So, I stay where I am? But I’m having troubles with Gabe (still, yet, forever) on the leash and that makes me want to move even more.

Maybe God didn’t want me to have that job in Michigan and I’m okay with that, but I’m certainly not happy with where I am, either. Something’s gotta give as they say and I’m just not sure what. I could stay in the condo and deal with that lifestyle except for the dog issues. Do I give the dog away? My heart can’t fathom doing that! I can’t move here, I can’t afford to. Do I try to change jobs so I’m happier during the day even if that means having such a short stint on my resume?

Perhaps what I need is further explanation from the man upstairs. It would seem that he, like the dog trainer, isn’t getting my emails. Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller? Somebody open up The Book of Answers and tell me what to do here!! (please?)