This is the dreaded expander. We are officially done turning the top (the space we generated was about 3/4 of an inch wide. YOWZA!) The bottom one needs about nine more turns but those are only once a week and LM says they don’t bother him a bit, so it looks like we’re home free on this one!

For those who participated in the Annual Family Vacation in Tennessee this year, here’s a quick recap quiz to make sure you were paying attention. For those who weren’t there, well, ya missed out!!

1. On the 11 hour drive down, LM and Amy saw something in the sky they couldn’t immediately identify. What was it?
a. Hang glider
b. Helicopter
c. MetLife Blimp
d. Hot air balloon

2. What 5 states do Amy and LM pass through to get from their house to Papa’s?
a. Pennsylvania, Delaware, Maryland, Virginia, Tennessee
b. Pennsylvania, Virginia, West Virginia, Kentucky, Tennessee
c. Pennsylvania, Ohio, West Virginia, Virginia, Tennessee
d. Pennsylvania, Maryland, West Virginia, Virginia, Tennessee

3. Throughout the weekend, Amy’s sister declared that despite being the eldest in the family, she was NOT:
a. In charge of disciplining the children
b. Making decisions
c. Cooking
d. Doing Laundry

4. When asked what the plan was for the day, George said the family was going to:
a. Go boating, golfing and then eat cake.
b. Go swimming, shoot pool and order pizza.
c. Drive the lawn tractor, play baseball and have ice cream
d. Catch butterflies, play and eat blood.

5. On LM’s first publication of the Daily News, the dinner menu included “MM”. What did the MM stand for?
a. M&M’s
b. Mystery Meat
c. Marinated Monkeys
d. Mom’s Mess

6. Uncle G scored major points with the kids by:
a. Teaching them how to knee board.
b. Giving them each $10.
c. Telling them they could stay up past 11
d. Doing their summer homework for them.

7. AWTAA stands for:
a. Amy’s Wicked Tea (with Absolute and Apricot)
b. Another Weird Technique for Annoying Amy
c. American Washer Throwers Association of America
d. A Wet Towel Armors All

8. When told he had to eat the salad he put on his plate even though he disliked the dressing it came with, LM:
a. Gagged and ended up choking on lettuce.
b. Ate three bites and threw up.
c. Put the lettuce in paper towels and tried to wash off the dressing.
d. Cried.

9. The funniest joke Bear told involved:
a. Beer
b. A blonde
c. A priest, a rabbi and a nun
d. A man (and his horse)

10. The most shocking truth about the trip is:
a. We’re all still alive after driving the hour long boat ride in the dark.
b. George’s arm did not fall off after making no less than 2008 armpit farts.
c. Papa played poker.
d. LM, Jules and G’ma J don’t suck at the various games they all played.
e. All of the Above

Answers:
1. c. But it took quite awhile to figure out it was in fact a blimp because it was not circling, it was traveling in the same direction we were, thus all we saw was the “butt of the blimp”.
2. d. Strange, but true, when you pass through south central PA, you actually pass through that funky arm of Maryland and a little protruding part of West Virginia and then enter into Virginia all within 30 miles.
3. b. Therefore a qualifier is in place for all happenings since “Youngest” and “Middle” were thereby left in charge. Oh my.
4. d. And I believe it was moth blood to be exact. Oh to be 5.
5. b. It was yet undecided what dinner would be at the time of publication.
6. a. While I will never forget the look of accomplishment on LM and Little Bird’s faces, I am certain I have grey hair from watching the process.
7. c. And if you don’t know the game of ‘washers’ you’re just not redneck enough to roll with my fam.
8. c. Ingenious, you must admit.
9. d. And it was an ‘in the moment’ sort of joke that may never be as funny again.
10. e. Emphatically. We all had a great time and can’t wait to be together again!

The yard is a pool o’ mud. The streets are flooded. We can’t get anywhere and we can’t play in the yard so I turned on the tele to wait for the Red Sox game and stumbled across this show called “Cash Cab” which is a game show held in a NY taxi cab. The driver asks trivia questions and awards cash for various levels of questions. (I know, you all know this already and I’m just now finding this trendy show, right?) I have watched three couples participate in this episode and they have all been extremely successful (except that the first couple went for double or nothing and lost) but ME?! MOI!? College educated, private school AMY!? I suck. I cannot believe how stupid this show is making me feel. Even this old couple is totally rocking. Holy smokes I am so incredibly dumb. If ever I am in NY, I’d better just walk to my destination than to risk humiliating myself by accidentally entering into the “Cash Cab”. Thank goodness I finished paying my student loans a few years ago or I might demand a refund.

I have never taught elementary school in Iowa. Upon graduating from a private college in Illinois, I completed a frivolous touchy-feely human relations course that I despised in order to qualify for the reciprocal certification with the state of Iowa. I substitute taught for two years within both Illinois and Iowa (the advantages of living on the border!) yet I never had reason to call upon my certification or in effect to utilize the benefits of having endured this psychology-based class that lacked curriculum and purpose in my mind. The class, however, was not a requirement in my life so that I might receive temporary certification in a state I would soon leave. The class was God’s way of introducing me to Stacy.

I could write about Stacy for days and still not fully list the ways that she has touched my life. She led me to a church I could call home when I was first married. She so willingly shared her life story with me that I could confidently share my own fears and struggles without judgment or fear of reproach. She was a fount of practical advice and inspiration when I had my son just months after she had hers. She showed me a view of God that was more personal, more tangible, more known that I had ever believed. Stacy has always listened to my struggles and my prayers and has a fresh perspective that shows me the underlying blessings, the silver linings I am sometimes unable to see. I remember once talking about how it seemed like my husband and I would just get our hands on a bit of “extra” money and the car would need a repair, or the baby needed something, or we were traveling again…she immediately praised God, thanking Him for providing us with the cash we needed just ahead of when we needed it each and every time. I have never forgotten her perspective.

I visited Stacy once since my move to Pennsylvania but I believe our friendship is even stronger today than it was back then. I have always known that she is there for me, no matter what I could ever need. God has truly given me a tremendous gift in Stacy!

She recently sent me a book, “Some Wildflower in My Heart” by Jamie Langston Turner, which I just finished tonight. The entire time that I was reading this book, about a woman who was brought back to God through the love of a friend, I thought of Stacy. I would not have the relationship with God that I do today if not for the example Stacy continues to provide for me.

I know that His purpose for Stacy is far greater than simply to touch my heart, but I also know that He recognizes this as no small feat, either. There are days when I feel incredibly alone that a simple email or a book in the mail will arrive from Stacy and I know it is His doing, His hand in our friendship, that leads me home time and time again. Had I known, 13 years ago just exactly what sort of “human relations” would come from that class, I might not have attended so grudgingly! I am learning to trust in His plan!

I am so grateful for this gift. This book, the wooden chair, the emails, the laughter, the shared sorrows and struggles, for all that is our friendship, Stacy. I am so touched by you each and every day. I have so much to learn from your example, and so many blessings have come from your prayers for me. Thank you for this gift. I will always thank God for you.

Hello! You’ve reached the LizaJane residence. LM is currently on higher ground, staying dry for the summer while Amy scrounges around for more gopher wood. We’ll call you back after forty days and forty nights. Animal pair donations are still being accepted at the front door – mosquitoes are especially needed, they keep mysteriously being killed. Don’t forget to watch for the rainbow!

I turn off the tv and peer down the stairs at the door to make sure it’s locked. I turn off the light in the corner of the living room and walk in the dark to the hallway. I turn on the light long enough to check the food in the cats’ bowl and make sure Gabe’s water is clean. He’ll want a drink after the lights are out. I turn out the light, turn on the ceiling fan and walk to my bed, checking to make sure the alarm is turned on and the radio volume is set. I crawl under the sheet and quilt, moving the pillows up above my head, out from under me so I can lay flat on my back for awhile.

It’s inevitable that I will think of it. It’s not every night but it’s often enough to be a pattern. I view places and words, smiles and memories. I hold conversations of truths and of falsehoods. I think, without hope, of what might have been if only I had chosen differently. If only he had.

Gabe comes to lay his head on the edge of the bed. A rub on the head, and behind the ear, with a whispered “goodnight” is all he needs to head off to his own bed. He’ll walk around a couple of times on his blankets before settling in. Sometimes he’ll lay right next to the bed for awhile first. Scout will come almost immediately. She’ll come up with a quiet ‘mew’, looking for a little attention before finding her spot between my knees. Jonah comes to bed last. He’ll walk through the house and talk for awhile, then come to the bed by way of the nightstand and curl up by Scout. He won’t last the night, I move too much for his liking, but he’ll be there until I fall asleep.

I talk to God for awhile. I pray for LM mostly. I pray for the people that I love, the people that I know and the people that need love, and need to be known. I pray for patience and for gentleness. And that I will always know that all that I have is more than I ever need.

And before I can succumb to sleep, before I can allow the peace to envelop me, I tell him that I forgive him. I forgive him for not becoming the man that he might have been. And I try to forgive myself for believing that he would.

Ay, there’s the rub.

Remember when I talked about getting rid of my books? Most of them I posted on Amazon.com Marketplace while some I gave away to a local art studio trying to raise money (where I took my pottery class). Amazon was working out famously until some buyer decided my package didn’t arrive promptly enough. Very few people left comments on my seller account so one negative in four positive took my seller rating way down and sales stopped. (It wasn’t really my fault that the post office took so long, but I got to hear about it.) I decided to contact my local ebay store and see if they would be interested in selling the remaining books. The owner asked me to sort them by genre and then they would break the lots down into smaller groups that each had a value of about $75. When I received notice of the listings, all of my books had basically remained in the same large groupings I had dropped them off in, leaving me to wonder how well they were going to sell. Are people on ebay really looking to buy a large amount of books at one time?!

When the first batch sold I was initially really upset and disappointed but I have recently come to realize what a delight this is. My intent to sell my books wasn’t focused on the monetary gain I might acquire, but on ridding me of a possessive nature. I had received just as much pleasure from the boxes of books I had donated as I had from the individual books I had sold so why should it bother me that this lot of books sold for so little?

When I thought it through, I sat for a moment and saw it through the buyer’s eyes. Some woman, a book lover no doubt, went browsing through ebay one day and stumbled upon a selection of books that were being sold together as a lot. She put in the required minimum bid and thought she’d just ride the auction through and might be able to get a bargain. What she got was a set of 94 books, most of them like-new for $14.99. I can only imagine how excited I would be to have boxes of books arrive at my door that I had purchased for so little! What a joy!

I hope, wherever this woman is, she is as happy with the books and with her purchase as I am about giving them to her.

(As a note: by the time the ebay store takes out their commission, I will make about $11 on this deal. Considering most people sell their books at garage sales for a quarter a book and even then I’m sure not all of them would have sold, I’m really not out a huge sum of money. Either way, it’s a really fun perspective to see it from the other angle!)

If you could escape for an hour, where would you go? I would go to a bookstore and wander around picking up new fiction, new music and look around for cute men picking up good fiction and good music.

If you could escape for an evening, where would you go? I would go out to dinner with someone that I liked, where we would share food and flirtatious laughter over a glass of cheap wine. I’d go for a walk afterwards, in the cool of the evening, holding hands by the water, sharing a kiss under the stars.

If you could escape for a day, where would you go? I would go to my sister’s house. I’d enjoy cheesy potatoes and ham. We’d talk about every subject under the sun that doesn’t really matter. I’d play texas hold ‘em poker with G and Bear and anyone else who would join us. I’d read a bedtime story to LM and Little Bird and if I’m lucky I might get to rock with George in the rocker before he goes to bed.

If you could escape for a week, where would you go? I’d rent a cabin in Maine or some New England destination in October. I’d sit on the porch or on the dock watching the stillness of the water. I’d read a book and lay in a hammock. I’d listen to nature instead of the tv or telephone.

If you could escape for a month, where would you go? I’d go to Italy or Ireland or someplace I’ve never been where I’m the foreigner with the strange accent. I’d eat foods I can’t pronounce or identify. I’d dance and take photos and meet locals.

If you could escape for a year or more, relocate your life to a new location, where would you go? I’d go to Michigan, near my sis. I’d buy a cute two-story cape cod with a porch and a fenced yard. I’d take a job that used my creativity and fueled my passions. I’d see my niece and nephew every week. I’d spend time working in the yard with my son. I’d have a garden with six kinds of vegetables. I’d can applesauce with Michigan Ida Reds every fall and I’d eat peaches n’ cream sweet corn every summer and in the winter, more than two sets of eyes would lay upon our Christmas tree.

So what stops us? What makes this a dream and not reality? The mortgage, the kid is enrolled in school, LM’s dad lives nearby, my savings account currently boasts $100.76, I could list reasons why not all day. But I can summarize why in just three words: life is short.

When I started to look down the road to see where my life was headed it didn’t excite me. It didn’t match where my dreams were headed. I’ve decided it is time to bring them a little closer together, God willing. I had a phone interview this morning that was promising enough for me to hope for a personal interview next week. I’m meeting with a realtor later in the week to get some preliminary work done and LM’s dad and I are talking about the options on how to keep their relationship close despite the physical distance.

I hope someday to go to Italy or Ireland. I’m sure before too long I’ll browse through a bookstore with a stack of books in my arms. When someone wonderful comes along we’ll go to dinner and for a long, slow walk and we’ll share a kiss that makes me melt. Maybe next fall LM and I will visit New England, or someplace where the foliage takes our breath away. For right now I’m chasing my dreams to Michigan. Where do your dreams take you? Where would they take you if you let them?

If you try to cancel your Verizon Wireless DSL service for various reasons including the fact that you’ve recently discovered they’ve been double billing you for the past six months, they will slap you with a $50 cancellation fee. They will not agree to waive the cancellation fee, but will finally, reluctantly agree to reimburse you for two of the six months of overpayment, stating that because you didn’t notice it for six months they can’t reimburse the full amount.

I think, that when I get my bill for the cancellation fee, that I might just not notice it for six months. What are they going to do, cut off my service?

“Customer Service” = “Hello. How can we dick you over today?!”