Nearly a year ago, I shuffled LM off to the pediatrician to have them look at the 5 little red spots on his face. I wasn’t overly concerned about them, but he seemed to be getting a new one each year and the old ones weren’t going away so I thought it was best if we had it looked at. My out-laws (ex in-laws) kept saying it was petichea and that some of them had had it before. The doctor said it wasn’t petichea, but it was broken blood vessels due to stress and that we should see a dermatologist to get them removed (and implied perhaps a counselor as LM must have anger issues).

All of last year I was job hunting, so I was uncertain about my insurance (and therefore LM’s insurance) for the duration. Making an appointment with the dermatologist meant you had to wait at least 6 months and I wasn’t convinced I’d have coverage when the appointment came about so I waited. When I landed my new job in January, one of the first things I did was make all the necessary appointments, and today was the day we were finally able to set foot in the dermatologist’s office.

He looked at LM for no more than 30 seconds and said he has “spider angiomas” which are harmless little red specks on his face where blood vessels have risen to the surface. They are not petichea. They are not caused by stress and they will not go away unless we have them lasered off. Fine. Tell me more about the laser.

Simple procedure, won’t take more than a few seconds and won’t hurt any more than a rubber band snap.

Great, where do I sign up?

Oh, he doesn’t have the laser.

He recommends we call around to other dermatologists or go into Center City Philadelphia (over an hour from us) to Jefferson Hospital and they can do it there.

Great.

I spend half my day calling various LOCAL dermatologists to find someone who has this gadget of a machine. Find one, but she won’t do the procedure until we’ve had a consultation. Consultation will cost me $70. But I already had a consultation. But not at her office she says. The procedure is cosmetic and will cost anywhere between $100-300.

I keep calling.

The more dermatologists I call, the more frustrated I become. Even if they have the equipment, I will probably have to schedule two appointments and it will be at least a month if not two before I can even get in for the first, and keep in mind, none of these are really “local” in the sense that taking him out of school and getting him back and me to work without at least a half if not a full day of vacation wasted is impossible.

I call a plastic surgeon.

In my town.

They do this procedure all the time. They can see him on Thursday (two days from now). They will probably do it that same day (without a separate consult) unless they look at him and think some other treatment would be better.

Cost? Laser runs by time, so 10 minutes equals $100. No one thinks that his 5 spots will take even 10 minutes.

So, Thursday, I will leave work early and rush to the plastic surgeon’s office and hopefully his 5 little red spots will be removed and he will never have to answer “What’s wrong with your eye?” again and then we will rush off to the vet to have Gabers looked at (cause I hate to have to reschedule that, too!)

Moral of the story: plastic surgery is elective, cosmetic surgery. They are apparently in the business of being accommodating. Dermatologists, who have to wait for insurance reimbursements are not.

Note: After our appointment this morning, LM declared that they are HIS blood vessels after all and he’s KEEPING THEM. He wants nothing to do with having them removed. I have assured him, as did the doc, that this is a virtually painless procedure, but he doesn’t see why they have to come off. THIS is the difference between a 10 year old boy and a 13 year old boy. By 13 he’d be begging me to have the pimple-ish-looking marks removed!!

This morning, preparing for another workless day of work, I reached for a new book off my bedside stand and realized I have but two new books left. A stack of books waiting to be read is a comfort to the soul akin to a pantry full of canned goods in wintertime. Being able to see the bottom of the stack and the dust outline becoming more and more visible brings a feeling of panic. Even when I am not currently engrossed in a book, just knowing I have some in the wings, waiting for their moment, brings a sense of calm.

Before I begin my quarterly voyage onto Amazon.com to find a new set of books just waiting to be packed in cardboard and shipped to my door, I thought I’d see if any of my two loyal readers have recommendations. After fighting to finish Stones of Summer, I certainly can’t steer any further off course by asking strangers about their favorite books, so tell me what you’ve read and loved. Tell me what book you’d read again if you had the time. Tell me what you’d take on that proverbial desert island if you could only choose one book.

Shhh…

Babies. In the Office.

One nine months. One two and a half.

Shhh…

They left me alone with them.

No one will notice if I just sneak out the door with one of them, right?

Shhh….

They should know better than to leave me unattended with itties and littles!

I was just mulling over what to post this Friday when I realized I had been TAGGED by Poka Bean (by the way, if you love reading Poka like I do, she’s back to posting again – go!! Read her!! I got hooked on Poka when I read her blog titled “294” – you’ll love it like I did!!)

Anywho – now that I’m done singing the praises of Poka (oh, and lest I forget, read Undercover, too. She used to be Poka’s roomie and they are still bff and she’s got great things to say as well.)

So, onto the tag. Oh, wait. Read Carolyn (aka Boogie’s Mom) She used to work with UC and she’s got beautiful pics of her kids posted, and well, she’s just cool. And she has a new job that she loves so give her props for that.

Okay, so 3 things..have you seen the picture that Jersey put up for HNT? The orange one? It’s really cool! Go see it! Orchestrated has found Trader Joe’s – a way cool place! And while you’re at it, give Todd a hug for trying so hard to be such a great dad. He’s busy Chasing the American Dream and he’s struggling with joint custody and the opinions of an ex wife. Tough all the way around, but sounds like he’s doing the best for his son. Likewise is Wendy. She’s got a great post about raising emotionally intelligent children. Something we all need to think over and put into action! Great points made, Wendy! Speaking of great epiphanies, read Dad – if nothing else just for the picture! Dooce has a great sound recording of Leta. Remember all the funny things your kids have mispronounced over the years? Yeah, takes me back, I tell ya. LM called himself “Heybub” for years. Loved that. Katrina got the sweetest note from her daughter telling her what a great mom she is. (I don’t know if the Note was on a Napkin or not). And Gretchkal wrote a spring haiku which is more than I could ever aspire to do poetically!

Okay, so what do I wish…Pear continues to crack me up. She thinks she is trying so hard just to write, but what she doesn’t realize is that while she’s so busy trying to write, she’s writing very awesome stuff! Belligerent caught my attention with his Lost comments – if you’re not addicted, work on it!! Oh, and have you seen the black and white photo Jurgen posted, or the results of the cooperative Wednesday writing assignment? Too funny! Texas is cleaning which reminds me that something I wish for is a maid, j/k.

All right, all right, I know, I’m supposed to be posting about the tagged…did you see the picture of Bearca’s little one getting a haircut? Oh.My.Gosh. It’s just too cute!

Before I forget, everyone send positive thoughts to Slushy as she’s trying to conquer the mound of ironing. Not fun no matter how you look at it.

So, where was I? Oh, right. TAGGED!! I’ll do my best here…

3 things you wish for (just for you) (You mean I can’t wish for a new computer for Gorilla?!?)
1. A house. Not a condo, not a townhouse, but my own single family dwelling where I never have to listen to my neighbor’s music again.
2. To find the continued motivation to lose weight.
3. Mastery over the leash issues with Gabe. It’s truly a problem only for me and my life would be SO much better if this were remedied.

3 things you would do to/for yourself if there was no one to judge you (or if you had the guts to do it!)
1. Get a new nose.
2. Buy a truck
3. Get another dog (or two)

3 habits you have (these can be good or bad, right?!)
1. Diet/binge/diet/binge…
2. Cleaning the kitchen every morning before I go to work.
3. Talking to my sister on the phone when I’m in my car (it’s a family trait, I swear!)

3 insecurities you feel
1. That I’m not doing a good job of being a mother.
2. That I’ll never have another meaningful relationship with a boy.
3. That I’ll never be out of debt.

3 talents/skills you wish you had
1. Cooking things that make people go “YUM!”
2. To play the guitar
3. To be able to sing

3 things you would do if you had more time (I have oodles of time, so I’m going to amend this one to be “if I had the money”)
1. Devote more time to photography (which I’ll do whenever I can afford to go digital)
2. Have a greenhouse where I would propagate plants to sell or give them away.
3. Become an ambassador for some worthwhile charity, giving presentations and trying to solicit grants/donations/volunteers. (wait, I could probably do this without having more money, couldn’t I? Hmm…gonna have to give this some thought!)

3 things that bring you peace/relaxation
1. Sleeping in on a Saturday morning.
2. the Bark Park
3. Spending quality time with my son.

3 things that spark your creativity
1. scrapbooking
2. reading
3. blogging

I’ve always believed that creating with your hands, planting, cooking, drawing, is not just a physical endeavor; I believe it begins in the heart and moves outward. I’ve always looked forward to spring and planting. I never wear gloves, putting my hands in the dirt is an important part of the process. I love baking bread from scratch, kneading the dough over and over; canning applesauce, peeling all the apples, watching it cook down; making jam that starts at the strawberry patch. It’s all cathartic, brings me back to the roots of my emotions.

Tonight, I put my hands on clay. I put it on the wheel and molded it with my being. Learning to balance and center the clay took a sense of calm inside of me, a quietness that came from the inside out.

To mold and shape the clay took a strength I hadn’t realized. It required me to use my wrists, my forearms, my biceps, my fingers, my heart, my brain, my soul, my core strength.

There are two of us in class. Charlie is not yet divorced, suffering through the anguish of a wife who wants out but wants him to miss her as well. He came back to the wheel after many years of being away, looking for the calm that comes with the clay. Despite many attempts, he could not form the clay to his satisfaction tonight. He could not put into words his emotional turmoil over the most important relationship in his life.

Class was as much about relationships and divorce and recreating our own vision of ourselves and our lives as it was learning about the potentials in a block of clay. Conversation meshed redefining ourselves with changing the shape of a pot. In one simple, unintentional movement, I took a perfectly formed pot and wrecked it, just as in one simple choice, we can ruin a relationship. The instructor showed me what was “fixable” and what required just starting over. It was a familiar lesson. I am not using enough strength in the beginning and too much in the end. Another familiar theme.

We created little “stamps” to use for texture and patterns on later creations. I dabbled with it, but have little desire to spend so much time making something smooth and polished only to rough it up with an imperfect pattern. I’m always looking for simple, clean, easy and pure. Fancy, uniquely syled, elaborate and complicated will never appeal to me – in life or in clay.

It will take me a couple weeks to shape the clay with enough strength, to hold it tightly enough to let it form within my hands. I don’t like to hold onto things so tightly, I’ve found they sometimes transform within my grip into something I don’t recognize. I’ve become someone who loves things loosely, afraid of the feeling of emptiness when it is gone. But tonight, I was reminded that sometimes just holding something tightly can bring back it’s symmetry. Using our own strength we can create something rock solid, tangible, permanent, real.

I will feel it tomorrow.

In my muscles, too.

I just finished the book “The Stones of Summer” by Mossman. I added it to my list of 2006 reads over to the right.

As I mentioned in a previous post, I tend to pick up books by recommendation, by the sounds of it, and very little by actually knowing anything about the plot of the book. I don’t want to know too much before I’ve even cracked it open.

That might help to explain why…

I.Do.Not.Get.This.Book.

It’s just over my head. I lost interest on page 2 and never regained it through the 500 and some pages after. I could have lost my place along the way and never been able to figure out where I had been. Only out of some inane sense of duty did I trudge through the book just to get through it. I’ll even admit, I skimmed a couple pages near the end when it seemed as though any explanation that was going to help me at all was not forthcoming.

I hate feeling like I’m just not that smart, but boy, trying to digest this one, I feel like I never set foot in a college English course at all.

I will put this book on my shelves with all the other books I have read. Maybe someday, someone smart will peruse my shelves and believe I was far more brilliant than I really was simply for having supposedly read this book.

Or maybe my sister will just deem all my books “JUNK” and will throw them all away.

Either way, I suppose the book will matter about as much.

So, you know when you’re on a diet and all you can think about is food, so you rational all your meals and count down the minutes (minutes? Who am I kidding? SECONDS) until you can put another morsel in your mouth?

And you know when you’re bored at work and so you start doing things like saying, “I will use the restroom at 11am. I will eat lunch at 12:30. I will send an email to my sister at 2.” Anything to pass the time.

Or how about when you’re broke and you still have 10 days until payday so you start doing things like…maybe there’s $1 in the change holder in the car. And maybe I can stretch the last of the grocery money by buying nothing but Kraft Mac n’ Cheese, and I need to hold onto that last $20 to get gas next week…

And there are those times when all three of these worlds collide…?!?!?!

Yeah, so that’s about where I am right now.

Wendy tagged me to write to 10 people to say something I wouldn’t normally say. I’m not to name the person, I’m just to write how I feel. After reading Wendy’s blog, I’ve decided that it suits me better to say things I should say more often to certain people. I will name names for this one.

1. Julie: 95% of our relationship occurs on the phone. Interrupted, incoherent, and very rarely the only task either of us are focused on at the moment, the time I spend with you on the phone is still some of the best moments of my day. While I chose to remain in PA, there are so many times I wish I could stop by and help with a project, or come take the kids to McDonald’s for dinner and give you some time off. Or just sit down with you and talk. My only regret is that Mom never saw us get along like we do. She endured our childhood battles more than anyone, I wish she were here so she could see that you are, truly, my best friend.

2. Stacy: From the very first day I met you, you have been an inspiration to me. In that Human Relations class you shared unabashedly that the woman you admired most was a woman of the Bible. You said it might change in a week, when you started studying the next one in your Bible Study class. You were funny, open, honest and Christian and I learned so much from you then. Today you continue to inspire me. The example you give me on raising Christian children, the words of encouragement you give me when they are most needed, and just the general sense of support through prayer that I’ve always had from you. I miss you. I am so glad, however, that despite the many states between us, God has kept us close.

3. Chris: I owe you more than a paragraph, my girl. Last night, playing cards with LM (see blog below) I exclaimed RudeNESS! And realized how much I miss you. You were such a great influence to me in college. You were so funny and so smart and had such a great balance in life. You were a big sister to me in so many great ways. As adults, you have taught me such lessons I don’t even know where to begin. I will never in my life forget your wedding. I will never forget Kevin crying as you came down the aisle. The love that you two share is tangible to the rest of us. I will also never forget the phone calls that told me of Andrew and years later, of Abby. I remember shouting at Josh when Abby was born saying, “It’s too early!!!” I know that I wasn’t there to share in the daily grief of two babies taken back to Heaven, but I know that I learned so much from you during that time. I didn’t understand why, when you were pregnant with Rebecca. I didn’t understand how you could possibly…but again, you were there to teach. God is good, Chris, and you taught me that. God answers prayers. God is there with us every single day. God bless the Waden family, Chris, Kevin, Rebecca, Allison, and the two angels, Andrew and Abigail. I love you all.

4. Bear: You got all sappy on me when I blogged on your birthday, so bear with me. Just last night, Jules said that you really want to come to PA. You. She didn’t say she did (although I know that much) she said you. Now, maybe she’s just trying to be extra nice to me or something, but it touched me. When you come to my house, I put you to work. You fix things, you hang things, you get suckered into wrestling with my child for hours. I would never think it was a trip you’d volunteer for, just something you’d endure for your wife. You are a great brother, Bear. I’m glad you’re part of the family.

5. LM: There are times, as a parent, when you are prepared for your heart to be broken, or for your heart to be touched. You know that watching a school play will be a funny but proud moment. You know that teaching you to ride a bike will be the most excruciating thing your own heart will go through (for now). Last night you and I sat down to look over some charity information we had requested. We have decided as a family that we need to do more to share our blessings and we wanted to make an involved decision. Watching you watch a video on starving children in parts of the world that are just words to you, watching your expression as you saw the work they do for such little reward, the conditions they live in, the lack of absolutely ever creature-comfort we take for granted including clean water. But when you handed me the phone and just said, “Call, Mom. Call.” It was more than I could bear. You and I will learn a lot through this experience. We have already taken a look at our life and realized we are so incredibly blessed – beyond what we could ever deserve. Thank you, for being a child with such a big, soft, heart.

6. Garrett: No matter what is going on in my life or what the latest piece of little stress is all about, you always, ALWAYS have a funny story to tell me. From Hank the Hound (with the Huge Wanker) to nearly falling off a roof while talking on a cell phone, to walking into a sign because you’re too busy gawking at a hottie, you always make me laugh. Thanks for giving me a little humor in my life. Thanks for calling me nearly every day and keeping our relationship close. Thanks for being my buddy and for listening to me when things are rough.

7. Little Bird: I don’t know how it happened, girl. How is it that a girl who is EXACTLY like I was when I was 9, was born to my sister? You and I both love horses and ponies and cats. We both love dolls and playing dress up. We both love to do nice little things for people. We both color meticulously. When I had prayed nearly 10 years ago that God would give me an Emily to love, I didn’t know he would give you to me as my niece. I am so glad to have you, I am so glad that we will get to see each other this summer!

8. George: Oh, George. You are a bundle of boy. You are mischievous, funny, clever, disobedient, and sometimes even crude, but you make me laugh. “Mom, it smells like farts in here.” I will laugh at that for weeks! Your cute dimply smile will get you far in your life. Those huge eyes will make most everyone forgive you anything. Thank you for being you. Even when you drive your mom crazy, I will always think you are funny and cute. I’m proud to be your Aunt Fred.

9. Gabe: This leash matter has to be solved, my boy, but even so, even when you nearly devour the neighbors cat THROUGH the glass door, even when you think you need to frighten a 5-pound terrier with your massive bark, even when you bark out the window for 20 minutes at a lawn chair that has blown off someone’s patio, I still love you. I love that you go to bed when I do, and that you put your head by my pillow and wait for a little rub and for me to say “Goodnight, Gabe” before you lay down. I love that you will sit just outside of the kitchen, drooling as you wait for me to give you a piece of peanut butter sandwich each morning. I love that when I am on the couch watching a movie, you will lay down as close to me as you can on the floor, even if it means you have to slide the coffee table to get there. I love that when I’m on the computer, you will come put your head over the back of the couch as if you’re reading over my shoulder. I am so glad we got you. I am so glad we have you. I am so glad you are there to brighten my days and give me some nuzzling after a long day.

10. God: I couldn’t have this list at all if He didn’t make all things possible. If He hadn’t brought these people (and dog) into my life with such purpose and reason. I am so grateful for the life that I have. I am even more grateful for the people that I have within my life. God is responsible, and to Him I give the praise.

It’s not quite the same, Wendy, but I hope this will do.

To anyone out there who wants to be tagged for a good list or a bad one, consider yourself “It!”

Before he even looked, he steadied himself, preparing for anything. He pressed his lips together tightly knowing his smile would deceive him if given any opportunity. He wouldn’t look at me fearful that a glance would entice the smile to creep out. With pursed lips, serious, focused eyes, he stared and said, “I’ll keep ‘em.”

I laid out three cards on the table between us and waited. He tried to hold his face as he looked again at his cards and said, “I’ll keep ‘em.” I dealt out another card and then finally the last. His face, unnaturally contorted as he tried to remain serious and untelling, starts to crack as he consults the reference card he has at his side. Without warning all emotion releases in a great outburst as he flings his arms into the air and waves them wildly shouting, “I have a FLUSH!!!”

Calmly, I watch his celebratory couch dance. After some time, I ask, “Would you like to know what I have?”

Realizing his glory dance might have been premature, he becomes completely still, awaiting the verdict.

“I have a pair of Kings.”

He waits for a moment, consults the reference card once again, watching my face to see if I’ll give any clues as to the meaning of my words, if I’ll translate that into a verdict for him.

He finally lights up again and says, ‘I won! I won!”

Thoughts race through my head that perhaps teaching him to play one of my favorite card games was a bad decision, perhaps he will take poker too seriously.

The next hand goes remarkably the same. A puckered up face that tells more because it has been obscured than if it had been left alone. Throughout the play, he continues to declare confidently that he’ll keep his cards, barely allowing his mouth enough flexibility to speak. Finally, as the last card is played, he throws his cards down on the table and says, “I was just bluffing.” I look down at his cards and say, “Nice bluff. But you don’t have to bluff when you have a Full House.”

“I have a what?!?” “I won! I won!”

Yes, I think I have created a poker monster.

Please send all correspondence to me c/o Satan in Burning, Hell.