I won’t pretend as if it ranks up there with a spinal tap or chemotherapy or anything of the sort but standing at LM’s feet, watching him flinch and say “ow!” with every little pin prick of the laser last night was hard on Mom. He endured 5-6 pricks for each of the 5 red spots (spider angiomas) on his face, and four were in the tender skin around his eye. He was brave. He toughed it out. And he tried very hard not to cry when it was finally over. We iced his face and will see in a couple days when the redness subsides if the procedure was successful. The perk: they think my insurance may cover the procedure afterall.

We rushed home to schlep the dog off to the vet afterwards. The waiting room isn’t big enough for our dog and anyone else’s, so that’s always a fun time. (Gabe officially weighed in at 203 pounds.) The office has two cats that just wander around and at some point the one thought the coast was clear and had to come sneaking out for a peek. It was all I could do to hold onto Gabe and keep him from eating that cat. The vet loves him, says he’s doing great, but he could stand to lose a couple pounds (couldn’t we all?) I talked with her about our leash issues and she recommended a new trainer that will come right to our door. I’ve heard all of this before, but it’s at least worth an inquiring phone call. The perk: K9Advantage finally made a flea/tick solution that will go up to dogs of Gabe’s size. Translated this means that I can actually by a regular six month supply instead of having to pay double for twelve pouches just to cover the six months. In plain English: a vet bill cut in HALF!!

We stopped at Pizza Hut on our way home for take out. We haven’t had take out pizza in, well, years. I went in while the boys waited patiently in the car. I’ll try to summarize the experience in a word: incompetence. It certainly took me back to my days waiting tables at the Pizza Hut in my hometown, but it was absolutely crazy. The perk: knowing that I wasn’t responsible for the nightmare and that I could take my pizzas and LEAVE.

We got home and I quickly flipped through the mail. Catalogs full of skinny, sexy women, bills, bills and more bills. The perk: my totally beautiful, black watch tartan plaid bags arrived from Slush!! She’s really talented with that sewing machine and I’m glad that I could, in some small way, help her effort to adopt.

We got settled on the couch and turned on LM’s favorite show, “Survivor”. We enjoyed our pizza, laughed at how worn out our dog was just from going to the vet’s office and cheered when our favorite player on the show succeeded. LM sat with a frozen ice pack against his face and at one point, snuggled up against me, he said, “Isn’t this the best Thursday night ever, Mom?”

That, my friends, was the best perk of all.

It went something like this:

George called. “Thanks for the box, Aunt Fred!” (I had sent a box with little Easter baskets for them to enjoy along with a few discarded dog toys). “Which one is the toy you put peanut butter in?” I told him which one.

“THE RED ONE MOM!!! YOU PUT THE PEANUT BUTTER IN THE RED ONE! THE ONE WITH THE HOLE IN IT!”

Little Bird got on the phone next. She was telling me about how they were going to go see her friend’s baby twin calves. “DAAAAADDDD!!! THAT’S MINE!! DAAAAAAADDDD!!! MOM! DAD IS TAKING OUR EASTER CANDY THAT AUNT FRED SENT US!! NOOO IT’S MIIIIINNNNEEEEEE!!!”

So there’s this tree. And there are these two apples. And as it turns out, they didn’t fall far at all….

So, I realize that I’m not the quickest person, truly. But since WHEN is Bearca Poka’s sister?!?! Geesh! Glad I’m finally in the KNOW!!! 🙂 Now, what other things haven’t I caught onto yet?

I canceled my order to Amazon.

I have written in the past in many ways how blessed I feel. To be honest, I’ve been struggling lately with the luxuries that surround me in my everyday life and the complete lack of basic living necessities for millions elsewhere in the world. It’s not that I believe we should all strip ourselves of every material possession, or that we should send our complete salaries off to Mali to restore some semblance of balance, but I stare down a $6 battery-operated toothbrush each morning to then see the face of a starving 9 year old girl on our refrigerator- a child we chose to sponsor from the Dominican Republic whose family cannot afford to give her more than one meal a day, cannot educate her nor give her the health care she needs. Just today I posted about the elective, cosmetic laser procedure to get rid of five red spots on LM’s face. The duality is forcing my morals to sit up and take notice.

I fight everyday with my weight issues. I spend more of my time thinking about food in any given day than seems reasonable to me. But I am afforded the luxury of being overweight. I am afforded the ability to go out and buy whatever I want to eat. I have taken the privilege of eating for granted, and I have abused it. I feel guilty for this more than most anything because food is a simple, basic, necessity to life and yet it is not something that everyone has. Food, is in fact, a luxury to most. How do I find peace with the imbalance?

I don’t readily have an answer, but I believe God gave us the emotion of guilt to serve a purpose. It is there to guide us when we are off path, it is there to help steer us in the correct direction and to lead us back to Him. I feel guilty. I feel ashamed of my stacks and stacks and shelves and shelves of beautiful, nearly new, dusty books. I feel guilty that I spend more on my dog every month than we do on charity.

It isn’t right.

I have to do something. I have to start somewhere. I started by canceling my order to Amazon. If you know me at all, you know that there is no greater joy in my life than new books. None. Truly. But I couldn’t do it this time. I couldn’t look at the total for our order and know that while it might buy us 5 new books, it would feed a family for a month in other parts of the world.

I don’t mean to get “preachy” or to sound like Susie Do-Right here. I simply mean to document my struggle. To say that I am sitting here trying to tell myself that I could sell some of my books and yet just as equally I keep convincing myself that it won’t do anything that’s significant so I might as well keep them. I look around and think that in some very simple ways we could do without so that others might do with. And then a voice inside says that God gave us these blessings, we should enjoy them. I don’t know how to create an equilibrium within my own life that will bring me peace. I’m sure others have found personal ways to make peace with similar demons, I need to find it for myself.

I also know that I can’t help others until I help myself. Getting out of debt is my number one priority so that I can truly live as God intended me to. I am going to try to make that happen faster than what I had originally planned. And it’s going to begin by selling some of my books. What I hate most about it, is that it pains me to let them go. For that reason, if for no other, I need to get rid of them. An attachment such as that to material things can only bring ruin and further greed. It’s a small step, but it’s a step. And it’s in the right direction.

If you’re in the book buying business, let me know. I know a good seller.

Nearly a year ago, I shuffled LM off to the pediatrician to have them look at the 5 little red spots on his face. I wasn’t overly concerned about them, but he seemed to be getting a new one each year and the old ones weren’t going away so I thought it was best if we had it looked at. My out-laws (ex in-laws) kept saying it was petichea and that some of them had had it before. The doctor said it wasn’t petichea, but it was broken blood vessels due to stress and that we should see a dermatologist to get them removed (and implied perhaps a counselor as LM must have anger issues).

All of last year I was job hunting, so I was uncertain about my insurance (and therefore LM’s insurance) for the duration. Making an appointment with the dermatologist meant you had to wait at least 6 months and I wasn’t convinced I’d have coverage when the appointment came about so I waited. When I landed my new job in January, one of the first things I did was make all the necessary appointments, and today was the day we were finally able to set foot in the dermatologist’s office.

He looked at LM for no more than 30 seconds and said he has “spider angiomas” which are harmless little red specks on his face where blood vessels have risen to the surface. They are not petichea. They are not caused by stress and they will not go away unless we have them lasered off. Fine. Tell me more about the laser.

Simple procedure, won’t take more than a few seconds and won’t hurt any more than a rubber band snap.

Great, where do I sign up?

Oh, he doesn’t have the laser.

He recommends we call around to other dermatologists or go into Center City Philadelphia (over an hour from us) to Jefferson Hospital and they can do it there.

Great.

I spend half my day calling various LOCAL dermatologists to find someone who has this gadget of a machine. Find one, but she won’t do the procedure until we’ve had a consultation. Consultation will cost me $70. But I already had a consultation. But not at her office she says. The procedure is cosmetic and will cost anywhere between $100-300.

I keep calling.

The more dermatologists I call, the more frustrated I become. Even if they have the equipment, I will probably have to schedule two appointments and it will be at least a month if not two before I can even get in for the first, and keep in mind, none of these are really “local” in the sense that taking him out of school and getting him back and me to work without at least a half if not a full day of vacation wasted is impossible.

I call a plastic surgeon.

In my town.

They do this procedure all the time. They can see him on Thursday (two days from now). They will probably do it that same day (without a separate consult) unless they look at him and think some other treatment would be better.

Cost? Laser runs by time, so 10 minutes equals $100. No one thinks that his 5 spots will take even 10 minutes.

So, Thursday, I will leave work early and rush to the plastic surgeon’s office and hopefully his 5 little red spots will be removed and he will never have to answer “What’s wrong with your eye?” again and then we will rush off to the vet to have Gabers looked at (cause I hate to have to reschedule that, too!)

Moral of the story: plastic surgery is elective, cosmetic surgery. They are apparently in the business of being accommodating. Dermatologists, who have to wait for insurance reimbursements are not.

Note: After our appointment this morning, LM declared that they are HIS blood vessels after all and he’s KEEPING THEM. He wants nothing to do with having them removed. I have assured him, as did the doc, that this is a virtually painless procedure, but he doesn’t see why they have to come off. THIS is the difference between a 10 year old boy and a 13 year old boy. By 13 he’d be begging me to have the pimple-ish-looking marks removed!!

This morning, preparing for another workless day of work, I reached for a new book off my bedside stand and realized I have but two new books left. A stack of books waiting to be read is a comfort to the soul akin to a pantry full of canned goods in wintertime. Being able to see the bottom of the stack and the dust outline becoming more and more visible brings a feeling of panic. Even when I am not currently engrossed in a book, just knowing I have some in the wings, waiting for their moment, brings a sense of calm.

Before I begin my quarterly voyage onto Amazon.com to find a new set of books just waiting to be packed in cardboard and shipped to my door, I thought I’d see if any of my two loyal readers have recommendations. After fighting to finish Stones of Summer, I certainly can’t steer any further off course by asking strangers about their favorite books, so tell me what you’ve read and loved. Tell me what book you’d read again if you had the time. Tell me what you’d take on that proverbial desert island if you could only choose one book.

Shhh…

Babies. In the Office.

One nine months. One two and a half.

Shhh…

They left me alone with them.

No one will notice if I just sneak out the door with one of them, right?

Shhh….

They should know better than to leave me unattended with itties and littles!

I was just mulling over what to post this Friday when I realized I had been TAGGED by Poka Bean (by the way, if you love reading Poka like I do, she’s back to posting again – go!! Read her!! I got hooked on Poka when I read her blog titled “294” – you’ll love it like I did!!)

Anywho – now that I’m done singing the praises of Poka (oh, and lest I forget, read Undercover, too. She used to be Poka’s roomie and they are still bff and she’s got great things to say as well.)

So, onto the tag. Oh, wait. Read Carolyn (aka Boogie’s Mom) She used to work with UC and she’s got beautiful pics of her kids posted, and well, she’s just cool. And she has a new job that she loves so give her props for that.

Okay, so 3 things..have you seen the picture that Jersey put up for HNT? The orange one? It’s really cool! Go see it! Orchestrated has found Trader Joe’s – a way cool place! And while you’re at it, give Todd a hug for trying so hard to be such a great dad. He’s busy Chasing the American Dream and he’s struggling with joint custody and the opinions of an ex wife. Tough all the way around, but sounds like he’s doing the best for his son. Likewise is Wendy. She’s got a great post about raising emotionally intelligent children. Something we all need to think over and put into action! Great points made, Wendy! Speaking of great epiphanies, read Dad – if nothing else just for the picture! Dooce has a great sound recording of Leta. Remember all the funny things your kids have mispronounced over the years? Yeah, takes me back, I tell ya. LM called himself “Heybub” for years. Loved that. Katrina got the sweetest note from her daughter telling her what a great mom she is. (I don’t know if the Note was on a Napkin or not). And Gretchkal wrote a spring haiku which is more than I could ever aspire to do poetically!

Okay, so what do I wish…Pear continues to crack me up. She thinks she is trying so hard just to write, but what she doesn’t realize is that while she’s so busy trying to write, she’s writing very awesome stuff! Belligerent caught my attention with his Lost comments – if you’re not addicted, work on it!! Oh, and have you seen the black and white photo Jurgen posted, or the results of the cooperative Wednesday writing assignment? Too funny! Texas is cleaning which reminds me that something I wish for is a maid, j/k.

All right, all right, I know, I’m supposed to be posting about the tagged…did you see the picture of Bearca’s little one getting a haircut? Oh.My.Gosh. It’s just too cute!

Before I forget, everyone send positive thoughts to Slushy as she’s trying to conquer the mound of ironing. Not fun no matter how you look at it.

So, where was I? Oh, right. TAGGED!! I’ll do my best here…

3 things you wish for (just for you) (You mean I can’t wish for a new computer for Gorilla?!?)
1. A house. Not a condo, not a townhouse, but my own single family dwelling where I never have to listen to my neighbor’s music again.
2. To find the continued motivation to lose weight.
3. Mastery over the leash issues with Gabe. It’s truly a problem only for me and my life would be SO much better if this were remedied.

3 things you would do to/for yourself if there was no one to judge you (or if you had the guts to do it!)
1. Get a new nose.
2. Buy a truck
3. Get another dog (or two)

3 habits you have (these can be good or bad, right?!)
1. Diet/binge/diet/binge…
2. Cleaning the kitchen every morning before I go to work.
3. Talking to my sister on the phone when I’m in my car (it’s a family trait, I swear!)

3 insecurities you feel
1. That I’m not doing a good job of being a mother.
2. That I’ll never have another meaningful relationship with a boy.
3. That I’ll never be out of debt.

3 talents/skills you wish you had
1. Cooking things that make people go “YUM!”
2. To play the guitar
3. To be able to sing

3 things you would do if you had more time (I have oodles of time, so I’m going to amend this one to be “if I had the money”)
1. Devote more time to photography (which I’ll do whenever I can afford to go digital)
2. Have a greenhouse where I would propagate plants to sell or give them away.
3. Become an ambassador for some worthwhile charity, giving presentations and trying to solicit grants/donations/volunteers. (wait, I could probably do this without having more money, couldn’t I? Hmm…gonna have to give this some thought!)

3 things that bring you peace/relaxation
1. Sleeping in on a Saturday morning.
2. the Bark Park
3. Spending quality time with my son.

3 things that spark your creativity
1. scrapbooking
2. reading
3. blogging

I’ve always believed that creating with your hands, planting, cooking, drawing, is not just a physical endeavor; I believe it begins in the heart and moves outward. I’ve always looked forward to spring and planting. I never wear gloves, putting my hands in the dirt is an important part of the process. I love baking bread from scratch, kneading the dough over and over; canning applesauce, peeling all the apples, watching it cook down; making jam that starts at the strawberry patch. It’s all cathartic, brings me back to the roots of my emotions.

Tonight, I put my hands on clay. I put it on the wheel and molded it with my being. Learning to balance and center the clay took a sense of calm inside of me, a quietness that came from the inside out.

To mold and shape the clay took a strength I hadn’t realized. It required me to use my wrists, my forearms, my biceps, my fingers, my heart, my brain, my soul, my core strength.

There are two of us in class. Charlie is not yet divorced, suffering through the anguish of a wife who wants out but wants him to miss her as well. He came back to the wheel after many years of being away, looking for the calm that comes with the clay. Despite many attempts, he could not form the clay to his satisfaction tonight. He could not put into words his emotional turmoil over the most important relationship in his life.

Class was as much about relationships and divorce and recreating our own vision of ourselves and our lives as it was learning about the potentials in a block of clay. Conversation meshed redefining ourselves with changing the shape of a pot. In one simple, unintentional movement, I took a perfectly formed pot and wrecked it, just as in one simple choice, we can ruin a relationship. The instructor showed me what was “fixable” and what required just starting over. It was a familiar lesson. I am not using enough strength in the beginning and too much in the end. Another familiar theme.

We created little “stamps” to use for texture and patterns on later creations. I dabbled with it, but have little desire to spend so much time making something smooth and polished only to rough it up with an imperfect pattern. I’m always looking for simple, clean, easy and pure. Fancy, uniquely syled, elaborate and complicated will never appeal to me – in life or in clay.

It will take me a couple weeks to shape the clay with enough strength, to hold it tightly enough to let it form within my hands. I don’t like to hold onto things so tightly, I’ve found they sometimes transform within my grip into something I don’t recognize. I’ve become someone who loves things loosely, afraid of the feeling of emptiness when it is gone. But tonight, I was reminded that sometimes just holding something tightly can bring back it’s symmetry. Using our own strength we can create something rock solid, tangible, permanent, real.

I will feel it tomorrow.

In my muscles, too.

I just finished the book “The Stones of Summer” by Mossman. I added it to my list of 2006 reads over to the right.

As I mentioned in a previous post, I tend to pick up books by recommendation, by the sounds of it, and very little by actually knowing anything about the plot of the book. I don’t want to know too much before I’ve even cracked it open.

That might help to explain why…

I.Do.Not.Get.This.Book.

It’s just over my head. I lost interest on page 2 and never regained it through the 500 and some pages after. I could have lost my place along the way and never been able to figure out where I had been. Only out of some inane sense of duty did I trudge through the book just to get through it. I’ll even admit, I skimmed a couple pages near the end when it seemed as though any explanation that was going to help me at all was not forthcoming.

I hate feeling like I’m just not that smart, but boy, trying to digest this one, I feel like I never set foot in a college English course at all.

I will put this book on my shelves with all the other books I have read. Maybe someday, someone smart will peruse my shelves and believe I was far more brilliant than I really was simply for having supposedly read this book.

Or maybe my sister will just deem all my books “JUNK” and will throw them all away.

Either way, I suppose the book will matter about as much.