Monday might have been President’s Day and a day off from work, but I think Tuesday didn’t get the memo and decided to play the role of Monday.

It started with an email to my ex just to confirm that he was going to Pittsburgh for Easter with LM. In his response, my ex not only affirmed that they would be going to see the grandparents but mentioned that LM will be getting baptized then as well. He went on to talk about the catechism books that his dad (an ordained minister) will be sending to us, and something else but I admit I stopped reading shortly after the baptism announcement. How can I have 75% custody and be the child’s mother and I don’t know that he’s being baptized over Easter?! J didn’t realize I didn’t know (what form of telepathy he thought we were currently using I’m not certain of) but we agreed to talk later that evening about the whole situation.

Just after lunch the secretary for the office paged me saying the principal for LM’s school was on the phone. If you’re not a parent, let me explain that moment to you. It’s the only moment in your life when you actually wish your child was injured on the playground. Any other reason for the principal to be calling isn’t a good one. And this one wasn’t a good one. Turns out he wasn’t injured at all, but had chosen the wrong reaction to a girl kicking him and ended up in in-school suspension. So, I spoke with the principal and then called J and let him know all about the situation.

Tuesdays are typical a “Dad Day”, so J was planning on picking LM up after school and I wouldn’t see him again until after school today (Wednesday). J is not exactly the best disciplinarian. A simple scolding is about the worst that LM would hear and J wouldn’t raise his voice or even try to convey the seriousness of this situation. I asked if he could stay in the area after he picked up LM and wait for me to get home so we could all talk about it together (presenting a united parental front despite being divorced is important to me). He agreed but didn’t know what they’d do for dinner since they normally eat out and he didn’t want to reward LM with eating out… so somehow I hear myself offering to make dinner for all of us and we’ll just eat and have a family meeting.

My Tuesday nights are usually spent running any errands that I need to run and spending time with the dog and catching up on laundry or whatever needs to get done. Nothing major, but certainly a far cry from sitting down to dinner with my ex husband and my delinquent child!

The result was that we talked through the in-school suspension issue and I think the message was conveyed rationally and yet strongly so that LM might understand. He’s a very intensely smart child and with that comes a very intense personality that his anger sometimes takes control of. I never see it at home, but there’s very little at home to provoke him. He’s an only child and I think that has given him trouble coping with the little nonsenses that elementary kids do to each other. It’s something we have to keep working on.

We talked through the baptism as well and I think we’ve reached an agreement that while we are all THRILLED that LM initiated the idea of wanting to be baptized, this does not mean he has to be baptized in his grandparent’s church in Pittsburgh, but that he can wait until we find a church ‘home’ that we enjoy locally. I did not want to offend the grandparents, they are very good with LM and very generous with their time in regards to him, but their church isn’t our church and the process and ceremony for the baptism aren’t how I would like to have it performed, if that makes any sense.

After the boys left to head to Dad’s for the night, I enjoyed some down time with Gabe. He loves to snuggle with you on the floor and he enjoyed the companionship while he chewed on his bone and I watched some of the Olympic coverage.

The highlights of the night, however, were some comments that my ex made. Upon arriving home, LM is to practice his trumpet, complete one chore (of his choosing) and then do his homework. J and LM hung out at my house after school until I arrived home, so LM set to his usual routine. J commented later on how surprised he was to see LM get out the broom and sweep the kitchen floor, then vacuum up those crumbs and finally Swiffer the whole thing clean. He said all of this while he watched LM help me make dinner by putting together the Caesar salad and dishing it into bowls. He didn’t know that LM was so “helpful”. I just stared at him. The child is 10. I’ve always taught him responsibilities and that he has to contribute to the household as well.

The prize comment, however, came at dinner. We all sat down to eat, choosing from some pork chops or a few little steaks that I had grilled up. LM chose a steak, cut it up and was about to eat when J said, “Wait a minute!! Look at your plate!” LM and I both stopped short and stared, not being able to figure out what in the world was wrong with LM’s plate. J said, “Explain to me exactly why it is that I’m still cutting up your waffles and pancakes if you can cut up your steak just fine!?!” I almost fell off my chair laughing. I replied, “Because LM obviously has you trained well!” (I haven’t cut up my son’s pancakes for probably 6 years now!!)

It was quite a night, I have to say. I’m glad that my ex and I have the sort of relationship where we can come together to talk through any matters concerning LM. I’m also glad that God fills moments of tension and anxiety with humor, if you just pause long enough to see them.

By the way:

The dog. We’ve been working with the Halti collar (just like a Gentle Leader) but to no avail. It helps to pull him back in when he does lunge, but it doesn’t really prevent him from barking and lunging in the first place. We went to the Bark Park again on Monday and I watched Gabe very closely. He saw another dog approaching the area and he came to me and sat at my feet. The other dog came through the gates, the owner unleased her and let her go, and she ran all through the fenced area and Gabe never moved, never barked. He eventually went over to say hello, but then came scurrying back with his hackles raised because the other dog spooked him. Gabe is clearly NOT an aggressive dog. I spoke with the vet when I was there to pick up heartworm meds and she said that dogs like the mastiff, rotties, some labs, can be aggressive on a leash. It’s just part of their sense of defending their owners that comes through. Would have been useful information when we were picking a mastiff as our breed. Never ever once read such a thing in all the research that we did, but it’s something we have to live with. He is otherwise not at all aggressive but on the leash we may always have some issues. She recommended doing what we’ve been doing, correcting when he barks or lunges and to keep correcting and moving on past the other dog. At some point, she said, he may only need one reminder to “leave it!” and he’ll do fine, but he’ll probably always think of another dog as a threat when he is leashed. Oh.Joy.

I was talking with LM last night about Love Languages. I had my suspicions about what he was, but wanted to see what his thoughts were. We were sitting on the couch, snuggled up under our warm down throw as I explained all the languages and gave examples for each from our family. As I explained that I am “Quality Time” he reached over and patted my leg with a smile and said, “So am I.” Just as I thought. 🙂 It was so sweet!

My boredom at work led me to read two lengthy Russian novels, but it bothers me to read on a computer monitor so I have now turned my attention to Sudoku! LM’s best friend does these puzzles all the time so I thought I would give it a whirl. Man, that mathematically analytical side of me loves these things! I’ve only attempted the “medium” ones thus far. I’m a little nervous to try a “advanced” one!! (I’d still rather be busy doing actual WORK at WORK – since that’s what they pay me for – but despite all my efforts, I still have nothing to do.)

5. Is anyone else as totally uninterested in the Olympics as I am? I’ve never been a huge fan, I’ll admit, but it seems like the only reports I hear about the U.S. and the Olympics are people whining and complaining – athletes who seem to be perpetuating the name of Americans as being cry-baby rich kids. I’m sure there are some feel-good stories, too, but overall, it’s yet another example of why I’m sometimes not at all proud to be an American.

Writing about Love Languages reminded me of how much I learned when I did the Myers-Briggs Personality Typing. I don’t really believe people fit “categorically” into categories but I do think it’s insightful to know why people do what they do.

I took the MB test when I was in college, as part of our Resident Assistant training. More than just learning if you’re an introvert or an extrovert, the test helped me to understand my staff and why some of us wanted to stick tightly to an agenda at meetings and others seemed to always be off on a tangent. Basically, in another “short but long” explanation, MB determines four personality types within 4 groups.

I/E The first is Introvert/Extrovert and is determined by where you find energy, not whether or not you are shy. If you are around a lot of people and find yourself energized, odds are you’re an extrovert. If you’re exhausted after a party, and want some down time, you’re probably an introvert.

N/S The next set is to determine whether you are intuitive or sensory (denoted by an “N” or “S” respectively). If you wanted to re-arrange your bedroom can you do it in your head, or do you need to physically move the furniture? Can you tell how someone feels just by a “gut” feeling or do you need physical or audible signals?

F/T The third classification is whether you tend to be a “Feeler” or a “Thinker”. Pretty self-explanatory, are you emotional or rational is really the question, or at least, what are you MOSTLY?

J/P The last category is a Judger/Perceiver, which is a bit deceiving by title. I like to describe Judgers as those who constantly want to narrow the options and Perceivers as those who always want to broaden them.

I can best illustrate the last category with a little anecdote from my past. My ex husband is a “Perceiver – always broadening his options. I am a “Judger” always trying to narrow the field. During our college years, there was an ice cream shop that classmates and local frequented. Kind of like a Cold Stone Creamery, Whitey’s was privately owned and was the coolest place on earth. Any concoction you could dream up, they would make for you. Do you want a snickers malt with strawberry ice cream and chocolate chips TOPPED with a banana split? Okay!

Each time we’d go, I would walk in the door and order my “usual” – a small triple-berry yogurt with homemade vanilla yogurt and fresh raspberries, strawberries and blueberries blended before my very eyes. My ex would still be deciding when I was long since done eating. He would think and wonder and suggest and then ask what I thought and wonder aloud what this or that might taste like. The poor high school kids behind the counter would keep offering to help him, whenever he was ready, he was just never ready!!

One night, when we were there, shortly after we took the MB test and I was all full of great personality-type information, he was standing at the counter as befuddled as always over what to order when I said, “This is all because of your P-ness!” which, as you might understand, caused quite a stir behind the counter!

All things considered, however, I learned from all of this why some people are constantly late, why some people cannot “imagine” the outcome, why some people will keep offering suggestions when you Just.Want.Them.To.Decide!!! I quickly learned that my husband really didn’t care where we went for dinner, but I often did so I would just speak up.

I am an INFJ, which is no surprise at all if you know me. I would much rather spend time alone than with huge groups night after night. I can tell you the room would look much better if there was a plant on top of the bookshelf. I react to most situations with my heart before my head and I am absolutely totally a narrower when it comes to choices (tell me what restaurant we’re going to and I can probably tell you what I’m eating long before we even get there!)

Maybe with all of my interest in learning about people, I should have become a shrink. I do think it has gone a long way in helping me to know what sort of person I could live the rest of my life with, however. My ex was such a “P” that it drove me insane. I wanted him to have an opinion, to feel passionately about SOMETHING and to be decisive. He isn’t and he never will be. I also know that someone who wants to be out and active and hanging out with other people more often than not will wear me out. I like my solitude. I like to see people, sure, but then I want to go home. I’m sure I could handle a man who can’t picture in his head the bedroom furniture until I have it all laid out for him, but I realize I need someone who at least teeters on the border between thinker/feeler or he’ll never deal with my emotions well at all.

So take all this, add in the Love Languages, stir up a bit of family dysfuntion, pour in a large amount of “how you were raised”, sprinkle in some “experiences better off forgotten” and you’ll have a great idea how and why the people around you tick!

Shh…I’m watching Sliding Doors. I love this movie. Shhh…come back later, maybe I’ll write something profound. Shhh….

If you must stay, bring me some popcorn, will ya…

Now hush!!

Here’s the book (at Amazon) for those who were interested.

I hope everyone has a fantastic weekend!

When my son was 18 months old, my husband and I took a parenting class. During the class we were introduced to a book called “The Five Love Languages” by Chapman (if I remember correctly.) The ideas in this book have been enlightening to me in all my relationships and have really helped me to be a better friend, mother, relative and girlfriend.

I encourage you to find and read the book, but by way of introduction:

The premise of the book is that there are 5 general ways in which people tend to express and understand love from one another. It varies from person to person, but for the most part, we all have one primary language and perhaps a secondary language for love. That is to say, that there is one predominant way that we tell people we love them and that we understand from them that we are loved back.

The love languages, as stated by Chapman are:

1. Physical Touch
2. Quality Time
3. Gifts
4. Words of Encouragement/Appreciation
5. Acts of Service

Now, don’t get me wrong. We might all translate “I love you” to mean “I love you” but we don’t all necessarily see the act of our significant other taking out the trash as a sign of their love for us.

When we first were introduced to this idea, my husband quickly wrote down on a piece of paper “gifts – you” and handed it to me. It seemed SO obvious!! I love giving gifts and I love getting gifts and he and I both thought that must be me. But after awhile I realized that’s NOT me, and when I realized my true love language, it made so many things clear in my life.

I am a “Quality Time” girl. That means I feel loved when people choose to spend time with me. And I express love by spending time with people. I used to drive home from college to surprise my mom. I have driven 12 hours to Michigan and not told my sister I was coming. Likewise, I can remember so vividly examples where someone in my life has given me their time and it has meant the world. The reason my husband and I thought that I was a “gift” person was because when someone gives a gift, they have invested time and thought into it. So when I give gifts to my friends, I’m really giving them my time. And likewise, when someone picks out something just for me, I am delighted to know they spent the TIME to do so. So, a gift, a letter, a visit, a call, all tell me that someone cares.

My sister is an “Acts of Service” woman. For her birthday, if you gave her a certificate for a free house cleaning she would be thrilled! The fact that Bear takes care of everything to do with her car is a way that she knows that he loves her. When you go to her house, if you help load her dishwasher, or help fix a meal it means a lot. Likewise, when she comes to my house, she DOES things. She cleans, she fixes, she tells Bear to hang shelves for me… she wants to give me her service. Whenever my sister’s “love tank” starts to get depleated, it is easily filled by “doing” things for her. Likewise, she spends every weekend doing things for other people. When you realize this is her primary love language, it really makes more sense. (Take into consideration our trip together to go see my grandparents last year. Upon arrival, I want to sit and TALK to my g’ma. I could do it all day. My sister wants to make a list of things that need to be done. She wants to go to the store, she wants to clean and fix and arrange. We are both “loving” our grandparents, but in very different ways!)

My ex husband was an Acts of Service guy, too. He will call me to this day and tell me he’s going to Costco, do I need anything? It’s his way of saying he cares about someone.

Physical Touch is an easy one to understand. There are “huggers” in this world who get it!! Physical Touchers want to hug after a fight. They want to physically be near you, they are cuddlers and hand-holders. They are people who readily are offended and hurt if they go untouched for several days. They need that.

Gifts is also an easy one to spot, but isn’t necessarily as superficial as it sounds. There are people who LOVE to get gifts, and by getting them, they truly do feel loved – likewise, they love to give things to people, too. The thing is, it doesn’t have to be a BIG gift to impress a gifter. Just buying someone whose love language is “gifts” a small token can mean everything to them. It’s not really that they are after the tangible thing, but having something given to them specifically means a lot to them. And likewise, you need to appreciate the gifts they give you, as they are meant as an “I love you, I care about you” and not at all about what they just spent.

Words of Encouragement also seems self-explanatory, but really consider it. My best friend told me he thought his language was physical touch. But I knew better. It was really all the words that came from his gf’s mouth when they sat close and cuddled on the couch, or when they were intimate together. He wanted to hear that she supported him. He wanted to know she was proud of him. It’s hard for some people to openly express their feelings this way, and so it can be hard for someone who has this as their primary language to feel loved if they are in a relationship with someone who’s more withdrawn.

Now, let’s think of how this works in relationships. Let’s say you have a wife who is a quality time girl and a husband who is an acts of service guy. They get home from work and she wants to make dinner together and talk about their day, and sit down to eat together. She wants to spend TIME together. He wants to get the trash gathered up, change the light bulb in the den, fix the garage door opener and get the oil changed in the car. He’s trying to DO THINGS for her because he wants to show that he cares by taking care of these things. She spends the night frustrated because he won’t just sit down and TALK to her and he spends the night frustrated because he’s trying to get these things done FOR her, and neither feels loved even though they are both sort of “screaming it” in their own way.

It is important to figure out what you are. It is likewise as important to figure out the languages of the people around you. It won’t necessarily come easily for someone who is a physical toucher to try to give gifts, for example, but to do so will mean even MORE to your loved ones because they will know you’re going out of your comfort zone and doing it for their sake. Men will stand awkwardly in Victoria’s Secret trying their best to give just the right thing, all the while knowing that simply a kiss from their girl and they’re good to go. They are trying to cross from their primary to their loved ones’ primary language so they might speak their feelings loudly. They know that she wants something from Vicki’s because she loves gifts. She feels loved with them. He just wants to be intimate – he wants her physical touch to feel loved.

I say all of this in light of the comments posted on my blog about Valentine’s Day. If you don’t want gifts purchased for you, if they seem frivolous or unnecessary, take into account the giver. Recognize it for what it is. And likewise, when trying to communicate to someone that you care, try to recognize their language and give something that would speak your feelings loudly. Those of us who are “quality time” or “gifts” or even “physical touch” might love days like Valentine’s Day. Those who are Acts of Service might appreciate you taking their car to be washed, or to walk their dog for them. Someone who thinks V-day is a Hallmark holiday is probably NOT a gift giver. It is important for them to recognize if the one they love IS, and to speak that if they can. Likewise, when I call a friend and ask if they want to have dinner together, and they turn me down for whatever reasonable reason, I have to keep my feelings in check and make sure I don’t take it as a personal slight. They aren’t saying they don’t care about me because they aren’t spending time with me, they simply have other plans. It’s a two way communication in two different languages that needs constant translating.

I don’t know if any of this is making sense. The book actually does a terrific job of it, but at least perhaps, it’ll have you ‘hearing’ and ‘talking’ to each other differently.

When you know your own love language, and you recognize the language of the people in your life, it will open your eyes. When you begin to communicate these things to each other, it will truly change your relationship.

I witnessed various people protesting the holiday yesterday and I just have to say this:

Do you refuse gifts of love on Christmas? Do you ask your loved ones not to celebrate your birthday? If your kids give you a mother’s day card, or your brother sends you a gift for Hanukah, do you return it? When grandparents send a little care package to grandkids for Halloween or Easter, should we exclaim that Hallmark made them do it? If you are single does that mean you are unloved? Do you have to spend money to demonstrate love? If you don’t want a card, chocolate, flowers or diamonds, does that mean you can’t participate in Valentine’s Day?

No. NO NO NO NO NO!!

Valentine’s Day is a day to celebrate love. Along with 364 other days in the year.

Enjoy it. Embrace it. Have fun with it.

Enjoy each other. Embrace each other. Have fun with each other.

Let’s add more days of showing love to the world to the calendar, instead of boycotting the ones we already have.

There was a time in my life when I supported the Death Penalty. I could give reason to the consequence for acts of violence beyond comprehension. I was able to justify in my mind the killing of a man for the decisions he had made to take the life (lives) of others. Later on, I changed my view on the matter, but I am still to this day, able to hear arguments for both sides and understand the reasoning.

I have never supported abortion but in my heart I can imagine circumstances where the option would seem viable. I can put together the pieces of rape and find an excuse then, although I still stand on the side of life. I can hear, I can understand, I can even agree with the argument made.

I have never been an unbeliever. I have never in my life believed there wasn’t a God. I have been a Christian from a very young age and while I have been angry with God, and have wondered how on earth he could allow such horrible things to happen to people, I have never had a length of time when I did not believe He existed. And I cannot for the life of me understand how people explain Him away.

Evolution has never made sense to me. Not to say that we haven’t adapted as species, or developed as necessary for our surroundings, but that all life comes from some cell, some fish, some monkey turned human? No, I cannot make it seem reasonable. I cannot look at the world, at the way the entire universe operates, at the big and the small picture and say it just happened with a “bang”. I cannot. I nearly laugh, the thought is so ludicrous to me. It is the one area of my life that I am completely unable to stand in an agnostic’s shoes and see their view even if I don’t agree with it.

Last night, LM and I watched, “March of the Penguins.” At the end of the movie, LM and I talked for quite awhile about how amazing it is that God gave even the smallest creatures a soul, that they might demonstrate compassion, sorrow and joy. That more than just instinct, more than anything science can explain, we can witness the artistry of God’s imagination. That we can see the love that abounds in everything in our life. I cannot for the life of me imagine what a movie like that feels like to someone who doesn’t believe in God. How do you explain the soul, the nurturing, the sense of family, obligation to offspring, the distance and endurance these animals overcame….I could go on and on. It is more, I think than science alone can explain. It is more than simply reproduction for sake of continuing a species. They mourn. They love. They in many ways demonstrate a greater commitment to parenting that many people do today.

I once watched a special on elephants that moved me in much the same way. I remember the narrator explaining the mourning that the herd goes through over the loss of a member. I will never forget the images of the elephants running their trunks over the bones of a deceased elephant, over and over caressing as if to remember, to immortalize. It was powerful. It was much the same experience as watching the penguins last night.

If you haven’t seen this documentary, I encourage you to do so. It’s a love story that reminds us of the Love of our God, our Creator. If he has given the penguins such heart, if he has provided for them the instincts and compassion necessary for survival, for family, for life, think of how He has blessed us all the more.

Happy Valentine’s Day!

Oh.My.Gosh.

I have turned into my sister.

I reached into my purse to get my cell phone this morning and found a roll of film. Undeveloped. Waiting to be processed.

It took me a good many minutes to figure out this roll of film is from CHRISTMAS.

Oh.My.Gosh.

This is not like me at all.

But this is.exactly.like.my.sister.

Be afraid, be very very afraid.

Next thing you know, I’ll be on the phone with my brother while I holler at my son.

I read “Kite Runner” a couple weeks ago and this weekend I watched the movie, “The Constant Gardener”.

I’m struggling to feel deserving of all the blessings we have in America. I need to be doing more, I need to be doing something. I’m on a search for a way for my soul to help those who need it most. I’m not sure that I even know where to begin, but beginning may be the hardest part.