… that after a hard, long workout, when I look in the mirror, I’m still fat.

… that chocolate tastes so good and good-for-me broccoli tastes horrid.

… that a company processes your purchase instantaneously but takes 4-8 weeks to process your refund.

… that football doesn’t last all year long. (Especially for the money they make!)

… that we work five days a week and are off for only two.

… that I have a great humidifier system on my furnace for these cold, dry nights, but if I use it, it leaves water marks on my ceilings and walls.

…that I could solve this problem by adjusting the amount of humidity each day as the temperature changes, but the controls are so high in the utility closet it’s too much of a hassle to make it worthwhile.

… that I’ve had to listen to John Madden (ugh) for all these years and only NOW is ESPN finally stepping up and taking over Monday Night Football.

…that despite all the publicity surrounding MNF’s move from ABC to ESPN, nothing has been said about what’s happening to Sunday Night Football, my favorite time of the week!

… that some of the cutest puppies grow up to be some of the ugliest dogs.

… that the rawhide bones my dog loves so much gives him the runs (and therefore I refuse to give them to him anymore).

…that the pottery class I really want to take locally is offered at 3pm on Mondays.

…that credit card companies can charge 17% interest and my savings account only earns 3%.

…that just about the time I get my favorite shirts/pants broken in and truly comfortable, they wear through and I have to throw them away.

…that people find my blog searching for answers regarding Suzy Kolber’s sexual orientation but never in regard to Chris Berman’s.

…that my car can go over a hundred miles an hour, but I’m not permitted to by law.

…that my cousin retired this year at the age of 36 (professional sports player). (In all honesty, he’s a great guy and deserves all of God’s blessings!)
…that some of us who were very close to our moms don’t have them with us anymore and some people have their mom and don’t even speak to her.

…that my 200 pound dog is afraid of my 10 pound cat.

… that my nine year old son knows how to cook better than my 26 year old brother.

… that I bought a little rug for Gabe to lay on instead of wearing out one spot in the carpet, and now he lays elsewhere.

…that despite having a bachelor’s degree, I cannot for the life of me, use ‘lay’ or ‘lie’ correctly.

…that I spent more money, time, effort and emotion on my brother’s Christmas gift and he’s the only person from whom I will not receive a Thank You.

…that some of my favorite blogs aren’t updated very often.

…that I’d rather be home on a Saturday night, watching the Patriots play and updating my blog than to be out at the bar.

I have, up until now, considered myself to be a pretty well put together girl. I was at least intelligent enough to get myself through college (although perhaps not so intelligent as to decide a private education was worth paying for- for years); I am attractive enough that I was once married, although since he has since decided men are this thing, perhaps we ought not really consider that any sort of proof; I have thus far, successfully raised a healthy, smart, witty child (give him time, he’ll abandon his upbringing yet); I have secured for myself a good job and a home of my own; and I have been able to keep 3 pets and 50 household plants alive for years (give or take a few – plants, that is, not pets!) All in all, I’d say the report on Amy is a pretty good one.

Until today.

I had no idea I was so flawed until today when I finally came to terms with it all. I have been in denial. I have been casting blame elsewhere when in fact it is all me. I AM TO BLAME!!

It’s true. Shocking, I know, but true. Perhaps I should have told you to sit down before you read this. Are you sitting? Good, then.

You see, I had thought all along that it was my choice in fashions that was to blame. That for the life of me, I simply was incapable of picking out the right shirt. But tested over time I realize it’s not the shirts that are to blame. No! No! So then, I carefully deducted it was actually my undergarment – my bra, to be exact, that was to blame. Yes! Surely this was the answer! But, alas, again no, with experiments of all kinds, with years of testing and reporting, it is neither my shirt nor my brassiere that is to blame.

I have a faulty left shoulder.

Sigh.

There, I’ve said it. I’ve said it aloud and I’ve typed it down for all to see and acknowledge. Hi. My name is Amy. I have a faulty left shoulder.

By all appearances, it looks as good as my right. Not to say it would stand out in a crowd or be showcased in a centerfold for Most Spectacular Shoulder of the Year, but nonetheless, it does not immediately strike you as faulty. It’s functional, certainly. It has a full range of motion. It fits into shirt-sleeves just fine. The problem, the fault, the horrific irregularity is that I cannot under any circumstances, with any shirt or any bra, I cannot keep my bra strap on my left shoulder! I am forever reaching into my shirt to pull my strap back onto my shoulder. In my estimation, I probably do this over 10 times a day. How many times do I have to adjust the right strap? NEVER!! Never, not once, not in a blue moon, not in a red sea. I never have to adjust my right strap. Only the left one.

I have tightened the strap. I have tried different bras. I have worn different shirts. I have held my left arm up over my head for the duration of the day (okay, not that last one) but to no avail!!

T’is true, people. I am faulty. I expect I shall be asked for a refund or at the very least a reduction in resale value.

I hope that people will not hold this against me as I go forth in life.

I wonder, however, can I at least get a handicap sticker for my car?

Today, at my new job, the office manager handed me a list she had been working on of things she thought I needed for my office. The list was maybe 10 items long. It came along with three office supply catalogs with corresponding pages tabbed. I looked down the list and was stunned at some of the things she had jotted down. I have a desk in my office, a standard, L-shaped office desk. I have a computer. A fast, nice, fancy computer. I have a phone with multiple lines and all kinds of buttons that aren’t labeled. I even have a set of shelves, with nothing on them. What more could I need? Well, she thinks I need a computer workstation, for starters. A computer on my desk is NOT the right height ergonomically. Oooookay. AND I’ll need another desk chair, apparently. One is not enough. People will be coming into my office and sitting down. They will need a chair. But there’s that conference room-type chair over there – I said. No, no no. That will never do. She led me down the hall and had me sit in some guy’s chair. Don’t you love that one? Well, yes, it’s nice… well then, that settles it, we’ll order that one. And how about a filing cabinet? Lateral or drawer style? Um, do I have things to file?! Um, no, not really…. Then can we pass on that? Well, for nooooowwwww….but you’ll definitely need a shredder. Everyone has one. Everyone has their OWN shredder? Why, of course! And a bulletin board, and a floor lap (fluorescent lighting is horrible on your eyes!) and on and on it went. At the end of the day, I think my list of “needs” as determined not only by the office manager, but also by several people on staff, totaled somewhere around $500. Holy cripes! I wasn’t even allowed to ask for a stapler before!!

I spent the latter part of my afternoon installing and watching the tutorial on Adobe Creative Suite 2. SO COOL!!! I’m certain I can’t quite afford this on my own just yet, but dang could I seriously make cool publications for people with this product!

The people at my job are so nice, many have stopped in just to say hi and introduce themselves. The benefits are incredible. Salary is the best I’ve had yet. They have made me feel so welcome, and made me understand that they want me there for a long time and are willing to provide me with the sort of workplace that will keep me there for years. I’m so glad I was given this opportunity!!

I drove home in the rain, noticing it wasn’t quite as dark at 5 as it had been just a couple weeks ago. Gabe was thrilled to see me as always, and his excitement always makes coming home such a fun time of day. There was a letter from my grandma in the mail and a notice that an account I closed had a credit balance of a few hundred dollars on it that they will be sending to me within 30 days. LM’s package arrived from Amazon, the cd and books he ordered with a Christmas gift card. I put some laundry in, took my favorite warm snuggly clothes out of the dryer and put them on, still a little warm. I ate some leftovers for dinner that took less than 5 minutes to prepare. And now I’ve plopped myself on the couch, gearing up for Penn State football tonight. I have a new book by Virginia Woolf on my coffee table to read, my favorite candles (pomagranate) burning and my new soft, down throw over my lap while I wait for the game.

Tell me, how can life get any better than this?

To LM: Thank you for such a wonderful Christmas! Thank you for celebrating the birth of Christ with me, for relishing the joy of giving great gifts and for enjoying our time together as much as anything. Thank you for my new plant. The one you personally picked out without any help. The one that you chose because of its “easy care”, because its blooms are blue, my favorite color, and because you know how much I love plants! What a wonderful child you are!

To my step-mom: Thank you for the best gift this year. You personally painted a picture of an autumn scene for us. You shared your talents and chose a theme that you thought best suited our lives and interests. The painting is amazing, you are truly talented! Thank you for sharing your gifts with us!

To Bear: I cannot thank you enough for buying my sister a Verizon cell phone. MY budget thanks you!!! I am so thrilled to be able to call her anytime without worrying about using my minutes now!!

To G: I hope you enjoy the album. I know it’s an emotional hurdle to work through. I know you have yet to grieve. I know that reading Mom’s words in Mom’s writing is harder than many things I’ve done lately, but I also know that nothing feels more real, nothing speaks as clearly as her own words telling you how much she loves you. Take your time, enjoy it, savor it, and someday, come sit with me and read through all the letters. Laugh, cry, and remember.

To my dad: Thank you so much for convincing me to buy an HD tv last spring when my old tv finally decided death was better than the life it was living. I have enjoyed watching nothing but football for the last many days and will continue to push the tolerance of my household this weekend on how many hours straight football can play on the tele! By the way, LM loves playing his ps2 games on the nice tele, too, and really looks forward to the bowl games being over so he can watch his new Star Wars movies (I, II, III) on the widescreen with surround sound!

To Mother Nature: Thank you for the mild winter thus far. Thank you for the moderate temperatures, the chance to enjoy the Bark Park, for LM to be out on his scooter, and for us to enjoy a touch of sunshine now and again. We are already looking forward to spring, although we know we have a couple more months of the cold to work through first.

To the Woman Who Made Me A Brunette: I’m getting used to it. This is not to say I prefer it, but I’m at least not shocked when I pass a mirror. The cut will be fantastic in about a month when I can tuck behind my ears once again, but all in all, I’m not feeling homicidal over my bad hair color. Lucky for you.

To the Lovely Folks at Wal*Mart: Standing in line with a pair of kids’ sneakers, cat litter, flour and a binder, I find it so odd to think I bought all those things under one roof (all the while smelling Subway bread baking – ew). I know you aspire to be all things for all people, but seriously. It’s getting to be a bit much. Especially the smell of Subway.

To the Makers of Emerald Nuts: get a new ad agency.

To Anyone Who Knows Something On the Subject: Is it possible to get an electric fireplace that doesn’t need venting? Can I buy such a thing, and have Bear or G build me a beautiful mantle and never have to actually do anything to my interior or exterior walls? Can I create a “portable” fireplace that isn’t permanently affixed to this condo?

To Karla: Thanks for the recommendation on the dog training book. I’ve read it cover to cover now. I’m not certain that it gives me the tools I was looking for, but it was reassuring to know that we’re at least doing a whole lot of things right! Maybe I will have to write a book on how to train a LARGE BREED dog.

To the People Who Are Recieving Our Christmas Card Late, aka those of you who failed to inform us that you moved and the original card got returned to us: Pardon the Hannukah and Happy Birthday stamps. Apparently when the post office is in transition to a new stamp, you are given NO OPTION on what kinds you can buy in the interim.

To The New Year: Look out! This woman on a mission is really on a roll! All things are possible! I look forward to the challenges and blessings the New Year will bring to me, to this home and to my family!

Happy New Year Everyone!

As you all know (or should if you’re truly a faithful, devoted reader. Ahem) I recently got a DVR. This weekend, I have been putting it to the test, recording classics like “Casablanca”, “The Philadelphia Story” and “Sunset Boulevard”. Today I decided to take a break and enjoy my time off and watch one of my recordings. I chose “The Blue Collar Comedy Tour Movie”.

Oh. My. God.

I have laughed so hard I have tears pouring down my face. I have scared the cat. I have annoyed the dog. I have truly not laughed this hard since…well…since I last spent time with my cough*redneck*cough family.

If you have not seen this, dear god, find it on Comedy Central and watch it. If you have seen it, how do you still sleep at night?! I don’t care who you are, that’s funny stuff right there!

P.S. Someone out there tell me there is a sequel to this movie.

My senior year of college I took the GRE. I was having so much fun as an Assistant Residence Director that I wanted to continue on as a Graduate Assistant in Residential Life. Only my college didn’t offer grad courses. So I took the necessary tests, and voyaged to Osh Kosh, Wisconsin for a huge interviewing weekend for GA’s in Res Life. Trouble was I had no idea or ambition as to what I wanted to STUDY while in Grad School. I just knew that academia was a cool place from which I never wanted to leave. A perpetual student I would be. Several schools offered me GA positions, but due to my upcoming marriage, and his local job, we decided to stay put and not pursue them.

I got married the day before I graduated college and my mom passed away three short months later. Having spent the summer caring for her, I had no job waiting for me when we finally settled into married life. I substitute taught trying to get a full-time teaching position, something I desperately desired, until I found out a couple years later that we were unexpectedly expecting.

I had the incredible privilege of staying home with LM until I moved out. I was grateful for not having taught before, as it made it easier to stay home having never had two full salaries in the house to begin with. When I pursued the divorce, however, not only did I have to come to terms with ending our marriage, I had to accept the fact that it meant I could no longer be home with LM. I had to support us both. I wanted to go back to school. Ultimately, I wanted to teach college English courses. I needed my masters at the very least.

It had been more than five years since my first shot at the GRE so I studied all over again and took the test with all hopes of getting high enough verbal scores to land me at a decent school. I did. But what was even more surprising to me at the time was that my analytical skills were much much higher than my verbal. In the midst of trying to secure a GA to help fund this quest back into college, my soon-to-be ex announced that he thought juggling school and a child was too much for me to handle, and he wanted full custody. Then and there I ended my dream of going to Grad school.

The funny part to me is I’m so glad I didn’t go. Teaching college English would have required me to play the tenure game; to get published routinely and in all the right places. To move about from university to college and back again until I was able to settle into a “home” that I would then work at for the rest of my life. I would never have been happy. Or so I would guess.

When I was married, I wanted a houseful of kids. Five was the number I spoke often, much to the dismay of my then husband. Now I know that had we actually had more than one, maybe not five, but even two or three, I don’t know how I would have gotten to where I am. There would be still younger ones at home, I wouldn’t be able to take this new job without paying half my salary to child care. As much as I hold out hope that more kids will come into our lives in some manner, right now today I see how having one has made more things possible.

My analytical side, shockingly well demonstrated on the GRE, has finally turned inward. I have finally taken a good long look at the forest and I have seen exactly why certain trees were planted, and why some died. I have finally realized that this life might be my own, but ultimately, it is lived harmoniously when I allow God to take the wheel. Let go, Let God. I’ve heard it, but I’m just now seeing it in my own life.

I am already looking ahead to 2006 and making my list of resolutions. They almost always say the same things. Lose weight, stop swearing, save more money, blah, blah, blah. My analytical side, however has decided the best approach is to simply let God lead. Great things have happened over the last few months since I have turned things over. This woman on a mission, empowered by God, has gotten a great grip on her finances, changed jobs and negotiated a raise in salary!

One of these days, I know that God will open my heart and my life to a new relationship. One that never would have been possible if I had stayed with my ex and played the game, shutting out my heart. I will allow God to work on that plan, and to bring that person in when we are both ready for each other. I trust that He knows far better than I do what “type” of man is best for me!

As 2006 draws near, I look forward to starting my new job, on continuing to work towards the financial goals I have set for myself. I look forward to the challenges and joys that will come as a parent this year and all the lessons LM will teach me. Most of all, I look forward to the revelations of all that God has in store for us.

Let Go, Let God.

P.S. If you haven’t read, The Five People You Meet In Heaven I urge you to do so. No one in our lives is insignificant. And perspective on life is sometimes all we need to glimpse heaven. (For those who prefer not to actually READ, it’s also a movie.)

P.P.S. G is back home from his trip to my dad’s. My package is waiting at the post office for him tomorrow. I begged him not to open it at work but to wait until evening. I’ll let you know how the album goes over.

We went to the Bark Park yesterday, a visit that was long overdue. With 50 degree temperatures and snow melting as fast as it had fallen, the park was nothing but a big mud pit. We had intended to stop for a bath on the way home anyway, but this trip made a bath mandatory!

We met ‘Dempsey’ a 7 month old Boxer that we hope to run into again. He was as energetic as the day was long, not intimidated by Gabe in the least and just wanted to play! They tugged on each others’ ears, jumped on each others’ backs (in the perverted way, too) and had so much fun!

Gabe wore out finally and just layed his sorry self in the mud and let the puppers jumpe and climb all over him. It was just too cute.

Merry Christmas Everyone!

Even when Gabe got so tired he had to lay down, Dempsey kept trying to get him to play!

Gabe and Dempsey (a 7 month old boxer) had a great time in the mud!

A visit to Bark Park means we all need a bath