I know the holiday season can be difficult when you’re single. I know. I’ve been single for five years now. Because of our shared custody and with relatives on both sides living at least 6 hours away if not further, we don’t “split” holidays, we just give the holiday entirely to one or the other.

What this translates into is that I spend either Christmas or Thanksgiving alone each year. The first few years I used the time for major projects (catching up on years of scrapbooking or painting my condo, for example) other times I used the time to watch “classic” movies and their sequels that I had never gotten around to before. Godfather was the film choice one year.

But I’ve steadily become so accustomed to spending the time alone that I don’t think twice about it. People around me seem to have more difficulty with the notion than I do. I thought perhaps I could highlight some of the reasons why I enjoy the time so much. Don’t misunderstand me, I would LOVE to have LM for every day and every holiday but if he can’t be here then I’ll try to take advantage and enjoy the time.

Here is Amy’s list of why it’s GREAT to be single for the holidays:

1. It’s 9:30pm and I just got now got out of my jammies, took a bath and put on clean jammies.
2. There was nothing on the television today besides SportsCenter and football. I didn’t have to surrender the remote ONCE.
3. I had three meals today that required absolutely no cooking; I ate them whenever I was hungry and with no consideration to anything else and I ate all three of them in the living room while watching tv.
4. The kitchen table is covered with the necessary supplies for G’s album. I feel no need to clear it off before a meal or before going to bed for the day.
5. I was able to properly ogle a pair of rustic brown leather boots in the Boston Proper catalogue that lace up the front but have a hidden side zipper for those of us with calves that aren’t supermodel thin. The cost of over $200 did deter me from actually buying them, but I was able to ogle them for a little while at least, without any guilt or anyone accusing me of being ridiculous.
6. “Jammies” means a soft, worn in, tattered t-shirt and sweats. I haven’t given a single thought to looking sexy for bed in years. It’s all about comfort and warmth!
7. When football ended earlier this evening, I picked up the latest book from my favorite author and started reading without a single interruption. I’ll finish the book before I’ll close my eyes tonight.
8. I have finished all my Christmas shopping. There was no one here to contradict my choices, to ensure I adhered to a spending policy other than my own or to suggest that I overdid for my family and underdid for theirs.
9. I didn’t have to be nice to anyone I didn’t feel like being nice to.
10. I didn’t make my bed today. Even better, I put my sheets in the wash and never moved them to the dryer so tonight I’m sleeping on blankets and under blankets. Doesn’t bother me at all, but it’d be a pain in the neck if I had to share.

Maybe it’s just because being selfish feels so indulgent that I treasure these days. I would rather be with my son and with my family, don’t get me wrong, but the distance and the finances don’t allow that to happen each and every time. It’s just times like these when I like to see all the simple joys I’ve gained and not the pieces that are still missing.

Sooooo…I turn on SportCenter this morning to get my daily fix of news and humor from yesterday’s athletics and I’m half paying attention while I work on G’s scrapbook and munch on a few crackers and I hear “Huntley, Illinois” which is a tiny little town in northern Illinois significant only because I grew up about 10 miles north of there. I wonder, “Why is Huntley, Illinois on SportsCenter?” and then they tell me. It was the Annual Turkey Testicle Festival. For $3 you could contribute to local charities by partaking in the Midwest’s version of Rocky Mountain Oysters.

And people ask me what brought me to Pennsylvania.

Need I say more?

(P.S. Aren’t you glad I can’t post pictures?!)

I am thankful for:

Little Man. I could make a whole list of reasons why but my life isn’t long enough.
My sister, Bear, Little Bird and George.
My brother, G.
My dad, whom I miss today.
My step-mom
My G’ma and G’pa that are in Illinois
The people that help care for my G’ma and G’pa
My friends and all the states they live in
My mother, whom I miss everyday
My home
Gabriel, Scout and Jonah
My job and my hopes at finding a new one
My dependable car
Music
Freedom
A table full of Christmas gifts to wrap
Photographs
Email
Books
Heat
Sunshine
Plants and flowers
My faith
Laughter
Hugs
Warm, soft sweatshirts
Days off
My family’s woodworking talents
that I have known true love
my education
a stocked fridge
birdfeeders
football
high def
the holiday spirit
my friendship with my ex husband
the real reasons why we celebrate Thanksgiving and Christmas
my mom’s letters

Happy Thanksgiving, Everyone. Take time to count your blessings and say thanks today and everyday! May God Bless!

It’s Tuesday night but I’m not watching the Amazing Race. Since I’m still able to sit on my couch and puppers hasn’t floated up to the ceiling I’m certain the earth is still rotating on its axis just fine. I flipped on “The Natural” earlier, a movie I have never seen and I am so hooked on at this hour that I haven’t switched over to my favorite show, Race. Maybe it’s because it’s about baseball. Maybe it’s because it’s about integrity. Maybe it’s the wrinkles around Robert Redford’s eyes that I can see even though they’re not yet there. Maybe it’s just because watching something classic, something romantic in essence has captivated me tonight.

In any case, consider me enraptured.

Upon the realization that a holiday is actually just days away, I made it a point to stop by the groc (short for ‘grocery store’ and pronounced, ‘grosh’) to stock up. I have previously made the mistake of not stocking up prior to a holiday when I didn’t have Jacob and realizing the only thing open that day for food was the Wawa (like a 7-11, but way better!)

It’s just me for the duration so my cart was full of soup, frozen dinners, cereal, popcorn and soda. I get to the checkout and the woman says “So, are you hosting Thanksgiving this year?” Um, yeah, and I’m serving garden vegetable soup with a side of Golden Grahams and natural light popcorn for dessert. Come on over!!

So THIS is why I usually do the self check-out!!

After trying to drive home from the movie yesterday in surprisingly (to me) heavy traffic with drivers that were making driving a fourth priority on their list of things to do at the moment I realized: Holiday shopping is upon us. With no travel plans (heck, no plans whatsoever) for the Thanksgiving holiday I had somehow lost track of the fact that here in America we are on the cusp of the worst five weeks of the year. Worst in the did-you-really-want-to-just-go-to-the-store-for-necessities kind of a way. From here on out, a simple trip to get bread and milk will take four times as long. I’ll have to battle for any available pump at the gas station and God forbid I need to actually go to a store NEAR the mall (I rarely have use for the mall itself) I will never find a parking spot even if my needs have nothing to do with the holiday.

I got down to business this morning to alleviate my need to ever leave my house again until after Christmas is over.

LM and I logged onto our favorite website, the great and powerful, Amazon.com and looked up the gifts we wanted for my niece and nephew. Little Bird has a birthday in early December so we were on double-duty for her. Offering free shipping we thought we had hit the ultimate in jackpots! We would have them gift wrap the presents for the cost we’d normally spend on shipping and have them sent directly to my sister’s door and we’d have taken care of the whole of it from start to finish! Don’t get me wrong, I’m not opposed at all to putting time into a great gift. Not in the least (i.e. my brother’s scrapbook) I do however HATE having to fight the Wal*Mart rednecks for wrapping paper and the hour-long wait at the post office just to mail ONE box. This was my ticket to holiday paradise.

Only our gifts didn’t qualify for free shipping after all. So, we trudged off to Wal*Mart and found half of the things we wanted. Darted over to Kmart and found the rest of what we needed. Upon returning home, I set LM down at the computer to order his gift for ME. You need to understand that as a single mom, with all my relatives living far away, it’s difficult for LM to buy something for ME without ME there. We used to go to his store of choice, and I’d find a salesperson to help him pick out some things, bag them and then I’d just come up to pay the total, but somehow last year the sales woman seemed to think it was completely reasonable for an 8 year old to spend $94 on one person and so we had quite a time at check out with me explaining that she would have to UNpackage several of the items as I wasn’t paying nearly that much for ME.

So, LM was given a couple of websites of stores he knows I like. But apparently he stumbled upon something totally different and got so excited about it that I couldn’t tell him no. When his dad arrived (at noon to pick him up to go to Pittsburgh. I ask, what part of noon is “first thing Sunday morning” as he had said earlier in the week?! Ahhh, ex husbands…) he helped him through the check-out process on the website as I was forbidden to see any of it and they even decided to have it shipped to his dad’s so I couldn’t see the return address on the box. I’m afraid. I’m very very afraid. But I promise not to peek at the my bank account statement when it arrives.

BUT, this is to say, we are very close to having what we need to have done. I picked out several items for LM today as well and have an idea of a couple stops to make early this week to get some of the rest.

I might actually enjoy the season after all. Now, if I could just think of my clever, catchy, one-of-a-kind, self-created Christmas card theme/card/picture/letter deal, I’d be all set!

P.S. just to add to the irony that is my life, my sister tells me today after all my dilemmas and agonizing yesterday over Harry Potter that they bought LM a collectible HP magic wand for Christmas from the Skymall on the plane. Read that: no return option. I cannot catch a break on this, it would seem.

I have tried to blog four times already tonight and I’m really struggling with it. I’m writing with constant thought to the arguments that will be put against me and that’s not why I blog. I blog because I want to express myself only for my own benefit. Not for an audience.

So if you came here to rail against me, please take it elsewhere. If you read the following and feel the need to correct me in my opinion I will ask that you keep in mind I’m not writing this for you. I just need to spell it out for me. I need to remember today.

I have struggled today with anguish and heartache, guilt and shame. I have had to come to my knees tonight to find the resolution that brings peace to my heart again. I believe there is no higher priority in my own life than to raise a moral child. Today I saw how far off-track I had allowed myself to get by indulging in something that seems so “innocent”. I am constantly reminded of how the indulgences we permit our children when they are young can germinate and grow into bigger, unintended evils later in life. I do not indulge in Halloween. My son is clear on all the why’s and understands my beliefs on the subject. I have an inability to rationalize the violence and destruction of college students (and adults) on Mischief Night without taking it back to its roots as an “innocent” holiday tradition. I have never believed that any single aspect of witchcraft, sorcery or magic is ever simply “innocent imagination”.

Which is why, today, I am utterly ashamed that I gave in to the Harry Potter phenomenon. I did not give in without a fight. I was valiantly opposed initially. For all the above reasons, and all the reasons the Christian Voice stated over and over at the time of the first and subsequent book releases. My sister battled me heavily. She did not understand how I could let LM enjoy Star Wars and not let him read Harry Potter. I still did not give in. LM can state a hundred examples of the analogy of Star Wars to the Christian teachings; good v. evil, light v. dark, etc. He can make the leap to understand why Annakin thought the dark side SEEMED powerful and enticing and how it led him to his death and the Hell that was graphically demonstrated in Sith. He gets it. Very clearly.

I gave in to HP when LM came home from school and said the kids were playing “Harry Potter” on the playground and LM didn’t know the characters and felt left out. I felt horrible. I have such a soft place in my heart for being “left out” in school and I didn’t want to contribute to that.

Today, we watched the fourth movie. I had read parts of the first book long ago, and have listened to LM talk about the subsequent books but I was ill-prepared today. The lines that seem so clear in SW seem so grey in HP to me. Everyone is a part of the magic. Everyone is a bit of a sorcerer. I left the theater with an extremely heavy heart. I spent the day cranky and irritable and found myself arguing with my sister once again on the phone.

What I know to be true is that HP does not fit into the moral teachings that I bring to this home. It may work for others, it may not seem nearly so evil to anyone else, but I cannot sit peacefully by and excuse it or forgive it. I can’t. LM and I spent quite awhile this evening talking this all through. I explained exactly how I felt about it and gave all the reasons why. I explained peer pressure and how it caused me to give in when I had originally stood firm. And I handed the choice over to him. I told him that he was going to need to think about it and decide for himself what he thinks God thinks on the subject. He could choose for himself whether or not HP was innocent or whether it planted seeds that were not in accordance with Christian teachings. I explained how God spoke to me through the guilt on my heart today and how he needed to listen to his own heart and decide. Not an easy thing, not by a long shot, but deciding religion and beliefs for yourself is a lifelong struggle but learning to take ownership of those beliefs and not accepting them for the sake of your upbringing is something I think is best learned early. He may very well make the decision not to read the books anymore because he knows I’m morally opposed. He might. But I hope to help him decide it for himself. I have expressed to him the right for us to disagree, and that I will not ban the books or movies from the house as I believe he can decide that for himself. It’s a start.

I am headed to bed tonight with the voice of a woman I knew years ago ringing loudly in my mind. I remember talking with her when LM was but an “itty” and her children were pre-teens. She remarked at how ‘easy’ it was when they were so tiny. Sleep-deprived, starving, exhausted, harried, and skeptical I questioned her on how she could ever think so when her children were now remarkably independent and could certainly feed, dress, clean and entertain themselves. She explained to me that the ‘itties’ are so physically demanding, but as they get older they are so emotionally demanding. Raising children is a daunting task in and of itself. Raising moral children can feel impossible. Providing food, clothing and shelter is nothing compared to providing them with a moral compass on their heart that will guide them when they are no longer under your watch. Letting them learn the lessons and the reasons behind the lessons can be far more exhausting than any sleepless night with an infant.

She was absolutely right.

I will never get it all right. I will never be a perfect parent. But I pray that God continues to steer me and speak to my heart when I get off-course. And I pray that I continue to listen.

I’m not superstitious. Not in the least. I own a black cat. I walk under ladders. I don’t throw salt over my shoulders and I don’t have a lucky pair of anything that I wear when I cheer on my favorite team. All that said, I don’t want to talk about my day today just yet. Hopefully I’ll talk about it next week and tell you the whole kit n’ caboodle but for today I just want to shush about it and hold onto my hopes.

Today was a Monday. The calendar may say otherwise, but I know that it was.

Yesterday, I sent out five resumes. In this world of technology, it took two of the companies only 24 hours to email me the news that I still suck and they do not wish to even speak to me about employment. Another called and started to leave a message on my machine but was cut off before I know what company or what she had to say about it.

Today was inspection day for my vehicle. For those unfamiliar, like I was before moving to Pennsylvania, the state enjoys mandating an annual inspection and emissions test that alone will cost nearly $80, but the joy is that the lucky mechanic can also decide your tires are too bald, your brakes are too worn, your transmission is in need of overhaul, or maybe your blinkers just need blinker fluid. So the total bill is never to come under $100, but must at the very least triple that. So, despite driving a relatively new car (an ’03) and faithfully rotating my tires, I still had to replace two of them today and very nearly all four but the other two passed by the hair of a flea and I was saved that much. For now. I left $300 poor-er but with all the necessary stickers and paperwork to keep the police from pulling me over. At least for that reason.

In addition, the appraiser came by tonight. It’s all an effort to show my mortgage company that I do, in fact, own more than the necessary 20% of my home (I stand firm that I must own the bath AND the closet by now) and no longer need to carry the accompanying insurance that I’m paying through the nose for. The man was seriously not in my house for more than 3 minutes, took pictures of my kitchen and bathrooms, asked many a quick question about my dog and left with my $300 check in hand. I need a job that pays $100 a minute.

In about a half hour, a notary is stopping by for my John Hancock on paperwork to officially seal the deal on getting my finances in better shape. Although it would seem from today’s activities that they are getting worse by the second.

I have paid the bills and found myself to have about enough again for a coke. A small one, at that. I am grateful that I at least can pay the bills, and the mechanic and the appraiser, although one of those will have to be truly paid at a later date. But I am wondering how I am going to get through the holidays with only one small coke to share.

Ah, sigh. A Monday, certainly. I do hope that somehow the world rights itself by morning and I find it to truly feel like a Friday. If you can keep a secret, I have tickets (free, even!) to the premier of Harry Potter on Saturday. LM doesn’t know a thing about it. Shhh…don’t ruin the surprise. On Sunday he leaves to go with his dad for the Thanksgiving holiday. I won’t see him for a week. That week will surely feel full of Mondays without him.