Last week, a woman called to place an ad in the newsletter I publish. She’s a psychotherapist and wanted to get her contact information into a business card-sized ad. I offered my assistance and in so doing found myself roped into a lengthy conversation. She specializes in bi-polar and depression therapy but when I asked if she wanted that listed on the ad she adamantly declined saying, “then you get all these suicidal people and they need you 24/7.” Well, yeah. So she asks me, “What do you think people turn to therapy for nowadays?” Um…isn’t SHE the therapist? And is she implying I should BE in therapy? So I say, “I guess from my experience and the friends that I know that have pursued counseling, it’s mainly for marital help.” “Oh yes!” She says, “Marital help!” and I swear I could hear her taking notes. (Is the thought of doing marital counseling a new one to her?) She says, “Did you find your marital counseling to be successful?” Is she looking for me to become a client? Is this not a bit too personal of a question? I try to avoid actually answering by saying, “It depends on how you measure success, I suppose.” “What do you mean?” she says. I say, “Well, it didn’t save the marriage, but it helped me to see that it wasn’t a marriage that could be saved.” “Oh! Why couldn’t it…” and before she can say another word I tell her I have the layout of her ad finished and I’ll email it right over, if she has any further questions, please let me know.
Today, a woman at my office asked me about my Thanksgiving. I said I had enjoyed a quiet, peaceful weekend. She asked if I had my son for the holiday and I explained that no, he was with his father. She asked, “Is your ex husband good with your son?” I answer dismissively, “yes, he’s a good dad” hoping we can be done with the topic, but no, she continues. “Is he remarried?” Well, that’s an interesting question considering the circumstances, so I say, “He’s involved with someone, yes.” I turn back to my desk hoping she seriously drops the subject at this point. But, no, I was not to be so lucky. She says, “Does she have kids?” Well, she is a HE, but “yes” was my only answer. “Does she try to be a mom to your son?” Well, since he’s a DAD, “No, not at all.” “Oh, that’s good….my ex’s wife thinks she’s the grandmother of our kids! Can you imagine?” Well, step-grandmother, yes. My step-mom is a grandmother to my kids, but I shake my head in the politically correct way and say, “No, I can’t imagine!” And off she trots, happy with herself.
I have been out on a date with a new guy before, (imagine that!) and at some point the conversation will turn to why I’m divorced (naturally). I remember one guy seemed to be stunned that I am so amicable with my ex. He finally said that he didn’t understand why I was divorced if I could be such good friends with him. So I explained. He seriously slapped the table and shouted, “he is NOT!!! No freaking way! You are making this up!” Dude, if I could make it up, I promise it’d be better than that.
I have been known, when prodded in a less innocent manner by a less pleasant individual to simply state “My ex husband is gay” and just lay it out there for all its awkwardness (for the person asking, I’m over it -mostly ). But in normal conversation I guess I try to just bite my tongue. It would just be too much of a topic for the situation, I suppose. I realize it’s not common enough for people to be careful about what they say, but I’m not certain of how I’m supposed to respond anymore. I’m not one who is prone to lie, but I have also been known to be too blunt in some cases, so I try to hold my tongue and not make people choke when I reply. I really don’t want to be standing there with their jaw on the floor as I try to explain that it’s all really okay and it’s not that big of a deal or something to help them recover.
We live in such an interesting world anymore where assumptions are more often wrong than right. There seems to be nothing “safe” left to say. And yet, as I can recognize that none of these people, or any of the many many others I’ve encountered have meant any harm, it doesn’t make the situation any easier on my part. I feel like I’m continually trying to make the asker more comfortable, to save them from unforeseen pain and embarrassment, and yet, I was the one who was in the wretched position to begin with. I was the one who had to battle to come to terms with all of it, full of pain and embarrassment.
Maybe I just need a witty retort that would save us both from continuing the conversation. I just find myself on emotional eggshells at any hint of the topic that I can’t be clever about it anymore. That and some days it doesn’t feel very funny.
I wonder how LM will answer when put in similar situations. I know right now he answers with the innocence of a child who doesn’t understand the reaction he might get to his unique situation, but that will change. All too soon that will change.
I know that homosexuality in America is ‘every day’ enough to be on prime time TV (not to say that I think that makes it “right” but I’m not forging that argument here today) but in my town, in LM’s elementary school, in my circle of friends, family, co-workers, I do not know one single soul who has gay ex spouse. My situation isn’t responded to as commonplace, it’s the sort of situation that gets you a free flight to the Jerry Springer show. For years I have been able to handle the innocent questions about my “mom and dad” from someone who doesn’t know my mom passed away a dozen years ago. They don’t know, I understand that. But somehow, to explain that she passed away is simply understood. It’s a normal situation. It’s not so out of the blue that it leaves the person speechless. I don’t know how to handle these questions with such ease.
Last night as I was watching football an IM popped up on my computer from my Little Man. He was in Pittsburgh with his dad and had logged onto the computer to play one of his games. We got to chat back and forth for a little bit and then he wanted to play chess through messenger with me. I’m very rusty at the game, I learned it to teach him a number of years ago when a friend of mine suggested that LM might love to play it, and now LM plays far more often than I do. But we played a couple of games and it just touched my soul. He is so smart, and so gifted and just ‘gets’ this stuff. I need a cheat sheet to remember how the rook can move and what the bishop can do and even then I’m making horrible choices. At one point, he types, “Move the queen, Mom. The queen.” I about died laughing. He’s trying to help his poor mom be a better chess player. He’s NINE.
