31 things I have learned in my first month of marriage with The Mister:

31. The Mister will eat anything. He will pop a never-before-tried piece of food into his mouth fearlessly. He will eat any combination of food; foods that should be hot, he’ll happily eat cold; and he will eat the strangest leftovers and call it breakfast. But he won’t eat quinoa.

30. Combining many of our accounts and bills is a great, time-saving idea. Combining our iTunes music is not. Upon realizing he has Vanilla Ice, The Mister will feel the need to launch into a white-man’s-overbite version of “Ice Ice Baby” in the kitchen. Be glad you weren’t there. He was not, apparently, “2 Legit to Quit”.

29. You can indeed feel smiles coming from the heavens. While certain Mom would have loved this man, her approval became certain when The Mister announced his obsession with the show, “Dallas”.

28. Household projects are far better when they are done at the same house. Progress is much faster and the process is far more entertaining.

27. Laughter is a great medicine. Not a day goes by – usually not an hour- that he doesn’t make me laugh. Gut-wrenching, tear-inducing, my-stomach-hurts kind of laughing.

26. Things miraculously get fixed around here. At the mere mention that a handle is loose, or the back door squeaks or I wish I had a shelf there…and it is done.

25. Being on a budget or a diet (or both) is way better when you do it with someone else.

24. A Michigan winter is easier to tolerate when I don’t have to fight with the beastly snowblower. EVAH.

23. I never realized the sheer joy that comes from hearing the words (or reading the text) that says, “Don’t worry about dinner. I’ve got it covered.”

22. When there is nothing to do, there is still someone to do it with.

21. While “divide and conquer” is a good idea in battle, three people shopping together at the grocery store only results in overspending.

20. Parenting is made easier with a second opinion.

19. Parenting is made more difficult with a second opinion.

18. While I was used to a rapidly-depleted fridge before with a teenager, it is safe to say, every night we start from scratch for dinner and I will never eat another leftover. Even if I wanted to.

17. New brakes on a car is a do-it-yourself project. I.had.no.idea.

16. The family calendar will now have vacations planned out a year in advance and will include dates when the Red Sox come to town to play the Tigers.

15. I have been buying meat wrong for years. Having an expert who will shop for, purchase, divide and prepare meat in house is a money and taste bud saver.

14. Despite being a favorite sport of both of us, despite being the occasion of our first date, I will still watch most of the Super Bowl alone due to a three a.m. alarm for The Mister.

13. People say he will learn to adjust to me staying awake after he falls asleep, and that I will learn to sleep through his early alarm. Neither has happened in the first month.

12. We realized 30 days too late to call the deal off, that The Mister has never seen The Princess Bride in its entirety. We will do our best to remedy the situation by making him watch it and then quoting it incessantly.

11. Nerf wars will continue, but I am suddenly lacking a weapon. The boys each have theirs and will go to battle at the drop of a hat. My weapon, however, will be dismantled for parts. Suspicious indeed.

10. Scrabble can be very addictive. And competitive.

9. Conversations that reminisce about Pennsylvania will always creep us out a bit as we lived and ate and shopped at many of the same places, only at different times.

8. For a man who works with dead cows, he can get a group of second graders wound up pretty easily.

7. The washing machine and dishwasher never stop running.

6. The dog has never been happier. A bigger bed to sleep in, a buddy to come home at noon to play, and someone who loves to be in the snow as much as he does. (Oh, and someone who hates the cats, too!)

5. The Mister can do the best “I’ve been shot” impression.

4. It took us less than a month to be comfortable enough with each other to bring out the sweatpants, ball cap, lazy Saturday look. But we still refuse to go to WalMart like that.

3. No one hiccups like The Mister.

2. It takes all three of us to figure out the remotes to the TV, Direct TV, stereo and antenna.

1. I love every minute of this life together! Happy one month anniversary, Chief!

The Mister has a very good job. A job he has worked hard over many years to get and to be secure in. He has held positions along the way that were neither fun nor lucrative, but he climbed the ladder and is in a position most others have to have degrees in the field to get into; he just has a world of experience.

His job comes with a pension, four weeks plus of vacation and more important perhaps than any of that, it comes with security. If he tires of his exact position, he can move within government jobs to something more to his liking without losing seniority, vacation or benefits. It’s a good gig, and he has worked hard to get it.

The downside, and there’s always downsides with any job, is that he goes to work at 3 or 4 in the morning, sometimes six days a week. To be honest, our differing schedules was a point of concern before we got married. How do we create a family life and schedule when I get home at 5 and he is headed to bed by 8? But people do stranger things and we knew we’d find a way.

To be honest, we have found his schedule to be quite a blessing. He is off around noon every day, and can sometimes leave even earlier. This has made him Flash’s personal taxi service on half days, and days when he has a meeting after school. The Mister is home in time to putter around the house without interruption. He can spend a few hours doing all the things men love to do without the supervision or interference of a woman.

But there is another way in which we are blessed in all of this, a blessing that is perhaps a marriage saver. You see, The Mister wakes before his alarm even sounds. He is a shower-after-work kind of a guy, so within fifteen minutes of his feet hitting the floor, they are hitting the accelerator of his Jeep. He dresses for warmth, not fashion, so he lays out his clothes the night before and doesn’t even turn on a light in the early hours of morning. While I am awake during this time, it is brief and quiet.

On the other hand, when I get up, nearly two hours later, I do not go about mornings peacefully. I am an obsessive snoozer. I hit that button more times than should be legal some mornings, putting off the inevitable. When I finally do rise, I do it grudgingly. Don’t dare talk to me. Don’t even try to make eye contact. I am not happy to be up and I am not happy to see the morning arrive. I am noisy in the bathroom. I run the shower and the hair dyer. I go up and down the stairs to warm or dewrinkle clothes in the dryer. I futz around I the closet figuring out what to wear. My mood is as grouchy as the room is bright with lights. Flash has always known this and thankfully, God graced me with an easy going, independent child who rises without issue and is out the door with merely a shout up the stairs.

The Mister is blissfully unaware of my morning reluctance, and I am forever grateful that our start times occur in the order they do for our jobs. If not, just two weeks in, he might be reconsidering the whole “till death -or mornings with Eliza – do us part”.

We finally celebrated Christmas with my sister and her family this weekend. They had been on a cruise, we had been sick and then there was this wedding…

In any case, my sister, much to our excitement, gave The Mister and me a queen-size electric blanket with dual controls. Which, of course, led to us reminiscing about our mom and how she once switched the controls on her future in-laws’ electric blanket, turning one up just a bit and the other down just a bit. My grandparents spent the night wondering why one couldn’t get warm no matter how high they turned their knob, while the other couldn’t get the darn thing to cool off. In all fairness, my mom, a great practical joker, was exacting revenge on a man who pinned her coat sleeve shut then kindly offered to help her on with it. Teasing runs on both sides of my family.

The Mister and I immediately put it on our bed when we arrived home. Flash was beyond thrilled to get the smaller one I had been using (which Jules gave me last year) for his bed. (He also got my antique three quarter size bed after the wedding when The Mister moved in with a queen. This whole wedding thing is working out well in his favor!) The Mister and I plugged in the controls, but then switched them around as he had more outlets on his side of the bed. It wasn’t until later, when we crawled under the covers that we realized our error.

He was trying desperately to get his side off as he was already too warm; I was trying to figure out why my side wasn’t heating up at all….oh Mom, we are such fodder for you down here, aren’t we? And to think, we did it to ourselves!

January 10, 2013

In an intimate, private ceremony at our church up the road, our pastor married us. Flash served as best man, maid of honor, witness, ring bearer, photographer…. It was exactly as we wanted it to be. The Mister whisked me away to a delicious dinner and then a night at the Inn on the lake.

We could not possibly be happier!

When you’ve been counting down the days since something like 83 to go, it seems impossible that we are down to one so soon. For the last time, I kissed WG goodnight at the back door and told him to travel safely home. For the last time I picked up my house, loaded my dishwasher and turned off my lights. For the last time he texted to say he was “at the other house” safely. I have spent my last day in the classroom being called Miss Jane. I have made my last decision without regard to how it impacts two other people. I have transferred money and paid bills from accounts with only one name on it for the last time. I have signed my maiden name for the last time. I will fall asleep tonight in the middle of the bed for the last time (he hopes!).

I am also done attending events alone. I am done being a third at a card table without a fourth. I will not travel on vacation by myself again. I will not be left to make major life decisions without the help of another opinion. I will have someone’s hand to hold when the movie gets scary, when we walk with the dog, or when my tears start to roll. I will have someone to make me laugh when I am taking life, or myself, too seriously. I will have someone to be angry for me when I feel unjustly accused or mistreated. I will have someone to congratulate me, celebrate and cheer me on when I triumph.

I will have someone to turn to and say, “Can you believe he….” After leaving a get-together. I will have someone else who can pick up the necessary ingredients to get dinner going when I am running late. I will have a co-conspirator when I plot evil ways to get even with the teenager for his latest prank. I will have someone to whisper my fears to in the dark as we lie in bed.

More importantly than I may have realized the first time around, I will have someone to sit beside me in church. Someone who thinks I am beautiful. Someone who will gladly have Nerf wars with Flash, but will also tell him to put his cell phone away at dinner. I will have a true partner; a friend who knows all my secrets, all my regrets, all my fears and loves me anyway. I will have a problem-solver, a snowblower-operator, an amazing cook, a comedian, (a terrible grammarian).

Tonight, for the last time, I am alone. Tomorrow we wed. For the last time.

With less than a week to go before the wedding, I was out running several errands today. I needed to pick up a card for our pastor, drop off a dress at the consignment shop, pick up a few groceries to get us through the next few days, stop by the mall to get something more attractive than sweats to wear on our wedding night and hunt down the paint you use to write on car windows. I had mentioned to Flash how I thought I would surprise WG with a big, “Just Married!” on the back glass after the wedding but it took me three stops to finally find stuff that is made for the purpose and supposedly comes off easily.

Expecting WG to be at the house by the time I arrived home, I tucked the glass paint markers in another bag before coming in the house. Flash helped me put away the groceries, and with WG still not present, I decided to show the markers to Flash.

“Hey, Flash, don’t tell WG, but look what I found today!” I said as I reached into the bag.

“Whoa, Mom. Whatever it is I do NOT want to know!” shouted Flash surprisingly as I reached into the bag to pull out the paint pens.

“What? It’s just those glass markers I was telling you about,” I said, holding them out so he could see. “What is the matter?”

“Holy cripes, Mom! You were reaching into a Victoria’s Secret bag!”

Yesterday afternoon, curled up the couch, fighting day ten of a miserable cold and just killing time until my doctor’s appointment, I noticed something amiss with the crèche on top of the armoire.

“Um, Chief? What’s on the crèche? Up by the star? Is that…..is that a bat?!”

Chief didn’t have to look twice to know I was exactly right. Nestled up against the beautiful star he had created just a few weeks ago, was a most unwelcome addition to our manger scene.

“Go outside.”

I admit freely and readily here, no greater words have been spoken. For once, I didn’t have to man up and figure out how to rid my nativity of a bat. Chief did. So, I did exactly as instructed. I grabbed my coat and the dog and headed outside. Chief followed long enough to get his step ladder from the garage and to talk aloud of his plan for the creature’s demise. I just nodded eagerly at any suggestion that did not involve my help.

In my honest disclosure, I have to say, being the one who has already had rabies shots, there is an ounce of guilt that I am not in there dealing with this issue, but not nearly enough guilt to make me assist. About the time I thought I should remind Chief to not let the creature go should he get scratched or bitten, he came out the front door with the unwanted guest in a dish towel, gave it a hard thwack against the trash barrel and threw it all inside.

My hero. Truly.

He later told me bits and pieces of his heroic effort, but at the words, “when it jumped…” and, “so I set the crèche on top of it to keep it still…” I had to beg him to stop. Too much information.

So, Star of Wonder, I appreciate you providing a bit of warmth to the furry bat that took lodging there briefly (I hope it was briefly). Chief, you will forever be my hero for letting me be the sissy girl. Flash, this is the second time you have been ansent for a bat extraction. Duly noted. The next one is all yours. And to the THREE pets, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?!?

…in 36 hours at the hospital that was’t covered in our pre-marital counseling sessions:

1. When you are looking forward to a weekend of no school work, just relaxing together, be careful what you wish for.

2. It’s time to update our In Case of Emergency numbers.

3. The nurses in the ER will be skeptical when you say, “I am his fiancée” when you are wearing a cable tie for a ring, if you have to look at your cell phone to know his number and if you have no idea if he is still seeing Dr. Bourne or not.

4. Scrabble is entertaining. For about an hour.

5. Sitting down and watching a movie sounds great when you are home on the couch. It is torture when you are stuck in a hospital bed.

6. Despite their admonishments to get some rest, the nursing staff will be the very ones who prevent a good night’s sleep by insisting on blood draws and blood pressure checks every hour.

7. Eavesdropping on conversations in the ER, hallways and elevators will make you count your blessings every time.

8. A homemade turkey salad sandwich never tasted so good after hospital food.

9. Having patience is only required of one of you. It actually works well to alternate, as it keeps the nursing staff guessing and keeps them on their toes when either of you approach their station with a question.

10. Most importantly, we learned how lucky we are to have someone there. While all tests came back negative and we leave with the comfort of a healthy bill of slate, it means even more to know when there are issues down the road, we will be there with each other and for each other.

It’s like the gods know you’re trying to plan a low-key, drama-free, intimate wedding, and they just have to mess with you.  If our ring drama wasn’t enough (the cable tie is holding up nicely, though, thank you for asking), the dress has been a royal pain.  I am certain the dress is a major concern in all weddings, but part of keeping this whole thing simple, was not to let such silly things become huge things.  Yeah, right.

As said by Flash to the one-armed saleswoman, “…that’s pretty handy!”