… so hard to close a door in your life that it seemed to take all your energy and focus? And you knew that the door had to be closed, that wasn’t the struggle. It needed to be closed and locked. There was no doubt in your mind, it was just that the actual closing part was far more difficult than you imagined? As if the force from the other side kept pushing it back open, pushing it open to hit you in the face one last time, or to throw daggers one more time?

I finally feel, after months of pushing a door closed, I finally feel tonight as if the weight is lifted from me. As if God has said, “I’ve got it from here” and He is holding it shut.

I can’t promise that there still won’t be knocks from the other side, or shouts, or even notes slipped under the door (although I pray for none of the above) but I truly believe as if it’s been handed off, handed to the one who can handle it far better than I can.

And I cannot begin to explain the relief.

While the cousins were here, we’ve learned a few things:

1. The cousins don’t like beef stew.
2. They don’t like Mom’s French cookies either.
3. Birdy will ditch out on Girl’s Chick Flick Time to go play Spore with the boys.
4. Mom (Aunt Fred) will have to repeat, “I am the shoe!” over and over during Monopoly to remember which game piece is hers.
5. Everyone will enjoy eating dinner in their pajamas.
6. The dog will be ready for bed before anyone else is.
7. The lack of common sense in the group will become overly apparent during a game of Yahtzee.
8. George will get a Yahtzee during your explanation of how you don’t really take a turn to go for a Yahtzee unless it’s your last turn.
9. When you check on the kids sleeping in the living room, you will find George snuggled up on Birdy’s couch. When you gently wake him to move him back to his own, he will explain, “there were too many cats over there” for why he had to move.
10. While EA Sports might have designed the NASCAR game to include racing strategy, the boys will simply use it as a demolition derby.

“Flash?”

“Yes, Mom?”

“I’ve just spent $200 on new glasses for your eyes, $50 to re-enroll your brain in gifted for next year, $85 on your teeth, $10 on new socks for your feet, $150 for the summer mission trip to enrich your spiritual soul…”

“Yeah, Mom? What’s the point?”

“The point is, I don’t have any money left for your ears.”

“My ears?”

“Yes, Flash. Please turn your ipod down.”

“Oh.”

(Because I know this post series is riveting!)

Agenda:

Shower: CHECK! (This was mandatory for everyone who participated in Pajama Day yesterday!)

That’s all I have for my agenda today. I might take Flash and go drive by a few houses later. Oh, and I’ll balance the checkbook as my one chore for the day. My “extra check” arrived yesterday so that will be a more pleasant experience now!

Agenda:

Spend the day having fun with Birdy and George: CHECK!
Enjoy a crazy sleepover night with the three cousins: CHECK!
Never get out of our jammies: CHECK!!

Just for kicks: Make a big pot of beef stew (since there’s snow on the ground!) CHECK!

Another great day! If it weren’t for the lack of pay, I’d say we should do this vacation thing more often!

At church this morning, he not only HELD a baby (not exactly his choosing, but he still did it) but he FED a baby, too. I would have stood there longer, taking it all in if only two other toddlers hadn’t been potty training and needed my dire assistance in the bathroom.

And then…

We were standing in the grocery store, by the dairy section when he hugged me. For no reason at all. I looked around for a witness, but there was only the lady from the meat counter, pushing a cart of meat out to the refrigerated displays. She didn’t stop and stare in shock so I figure she either a) doesn’t have a teenager; or b) didn’t see what happened.

But even if none of that was odd…

We’ve been home for more than two hours and Flash hasn’t eaten a thing. He hasn’t declared himself to be starving. He hasn’t ambushed the fridge and pulled out a third of the groceries we just purchased. That means all he’s consume today is a bowl of Rice Krispies.

Something is very very wrong with Flash indeed.

Agenda:

Hold babies: CHECK!!
Worship God: CHECK!!

I threw in a little grocery shopping just for kicks and I’ll do another load or two of laundry later today, but basically, I’m going to turn on the ballgame (ahhh, I love ESPN360) and I might even nap.

It’s exhausting, isn’t it?

Agenda:

Sleep in. Check!
Play with the bashful kitty. Check!

Well, that’s all I had on the agenda for today! Guess we can call today a success no matter what happens next, right?

(Okay, okay, I relent. I will do some laundry today. But that’s it. This is vacation, you know!)

open it.
listen to it.
read it.
respond to it.
be guilted or manipulated.
feel responsible.
be accountable for your choices.
go back.
reconstruct a bridge that burned to the ground.
believe your accusations.
go against what God, my pastor, an elder, my friends, my family and my heart are telling me.
live a life focused on the negative.
forget the things you have said in anger.
put aside the lies you told.
participate in a pity party.

change my mind.

talk badly of you.
think badly of you.
quit caring about your kids.
be ungrateful for what I’ve learned.
regret.
withhold forgiveness.
be distrustful.
cast blame outside of myself.
stop believing that God’s plan is better than I can imagine.
ignore the blessings that have come.
avoid you.
be filled with anger or bitterness.
leave church.
allow this to negatively impact my spiritual walk.
think I have the power to do what only God can do.

stop praying for you.

It’s raining and the cat puked on the sofa. There are dishes in the sink and a pile of dirty laundry on the living room floor. The house I thought I would love, I don’t. The computers were down at school today so I didn’t get to teach. They are going to be down again tomorrow, too. Baseball is starting and I don’t have television. We’re off for Spring Break next week, but that doesn’t mean ‘vacation’ to me, it means ‘I don’t get paid for six days’. Flash didn’t quite remember the amount of cheese he left in the freezer and now we’re a little short for our pasta dish. By ‘a little’ I mean ‘a lot’. The toilet in the neighbor’s apartment directly above my bedroom ran all night long keeping me awake. I fell down my lightly frosted patio steps yesterday morning and sprained my ankle. I’m beginning to think I’m never going to get to buy new living room furniture. Flash has outgrown his twin bed, his clothes and his trumpet. The flowers in the vase on my table have died. I just got paid and I’m broke. I wasn’t able to write my “Vision Statement” for Bible Study last week and I’m struggling to write my “Calling Statement” for this week. There is a questionable odor in my home and I think it might be Flash. I haven’t been able to get into Scrabble on Facebook for a week now and it’s my turn to play. I want to play Yahtzee or gin tonight but Flash only wants to play Galactic Civilizations. I can’t find my copy of East of Eden and I loved that book. It’s only Tuesday and it’s already 7 o’clock. If I want to get a printed, bound copy of my Craptastic Novel I need to edit it. Again. The retirement stimulus plan stalled and now it’s quite unlikely that anyone will retire early from the surrounding districts giving me an opening for a job. Someone I once cared about said some very harsh, immature things to me this weekend. Flash made a video for his broadcasting class that involves farting. I used to have nearly 50 plants in my house; I moved about 30; I’m now down to ten. We just went to the grocery store two days ago and we’re already out of three things. The highlight of the evening is going to be watching MacGyver on free Netflix instant movies. Which will probably rebuffer three times while we’re watching because I’m too cheap to pay for higher internet speed. Flash has a major research paper to write for gifted class which means the next few weeks of my life will be filled with agony. My kitchen sink drips. I keep forgetting our reusable bags when I’m at the store.

And yet, despite all this, I am quite happy and content and feeling really blessed lately!