Tonight was the kick-off party for the church youth group. They had a tailgating theme, where everyone wore team t-shirts and jerseys and they had a junk yard car to smash, a moon bounce, paint ball, games and food. I watched LM use the sledge hammer to smash the car and listened to his giggles as he played in the moon bounce. We both tried cotton candy for the first time (neither of us were all that impressed). And we both got in the tethered hot air balloon and rose 80 feet above the church and had a look around town. It was the same hot air balloon that sometimes flies over our house. The same one that Gabe used to freak out over. The same one that Gabe…

I miss my dog. I sat outside the moon bounce watching a couple walk around with their little pug and all I could think was “my dog could eat your dog for lunch…”

As I sat on the lawn, swatting away mosquitos, watching the hot air balloon glow rainbow color in the twilight, I was so thankful for finding this church. So grateful for an evening filled with wonder and the laughter of children. So thrilled to hear LM say over and over, “I’m having a GREAT time, Mom!” and yet I missed my dog. I know that time will help heal this wound, but for now, I’m homesick for my pooch. I wish those brown eyes were right here next to me tonight.

I dreamt last night that I was getting married. I was wearing a periwinkle blue dress (my favorite color but not something I imagined being wed in) and I was upset because I thought one of my bridesmaids (I have no idea who she was) looked beautiful with her hair all up in a French twist and my hair was down and “plain” but it was down because I knew my groom preferred it that way and so that’s how I would be wed.

I next remember speaking at my own reception and explaining why three wedding cakes were being brought into the room. There was the traditional wedding cake (although I don’t remember it having layers or being towered) and then there was a second for some reason (of which I cannot recall – perhaps a preference by the groom) and then the third cake was explained as tears streamed down my face. “The last cake (which was small and round, chocolate of some sort with a powdered sugar-looking icing) was the cake I was eating at the pastry shop in Iowa when I met Charlie.” I was overwhelmed in my dream at that moment of recollection, of remembering how I had met my groom and how I wanted everyone to share in that moment with us on our wedding day.

Later it seemed as though I was sitting in a room with just a few other people, but I was intently watching something on the television, a family tape of some sentimental sort, which I was very intent on seeing through even though I had a feeling that it was not the right time for me to be off on my own like this, and not the sort of thing that would be right for a crowd. George, my nephew, came in and asked if he could watch cartoons and I immediately realized where I was and that I needed to get back to the reception and said a little too assuredly, “Of course you can!” and quickly flipped the channel, much to the appreciation of some other woman in the room who had tired of watching my home movies with me.

I think, in my dream, that I actually saw my groom, Charlie, once. He was wearing his tux, all but the jacket (black pants, white shirt and black suspenders?!). He was average height, with broad, solid shoulders, a stocky man with dark brown hair, dark eyes and a dark beard or goatee (I didn’t get a good look!) He was beautiful and I had a feeling he was funny.

It’s been a long time since I thought seriously about getting married, a long time since I even seriously thought about dating again. I don’t really believe in premonitions, but perhaps it’s just something I’m supposed to give more thought to. Now, to work Iowa into my travel plans…

Two weeks ago I picked up C.S. Lewis’ “Mere Christianity” at the library after reading a short review of the book online. Today I am placing my order on Amazon.com to own this book. It is one I will not only read over and over, but one that I wish to share with anyone and everyone I know. It has not changed my faith in God, or my Christian beliefs (although it has challenged me in some areas for certain!) it has merely given me the verbage I have been lacking all of these years to explain WHY I believe what I believe in a way that goes beyond a “gut feeling” or “faith”.

I encourage EVERYONE of any faith (or no faith at all) to read this book. I would be more than willing to send you my copy if you cannot get your hands on your own (the idea of sharing this book has absolutely excited me to no end, so please do not hesitate to ask for my copy!) Give it a read. Think about what Lewis says. See if it rings true to you. Maybe it will. Maybe it won’t. In either case I think you will walk away feeling more enlightened and educated.

If you have read it or do pick it up, please let me know! I’d love to hear your thoughts!

I have written this post no less than 10 times. Emotion runs too deep for me articulate myself with honesty and with control.

9/11 should never be forgotten.

Nor should our soldiers who continue to fight a battle we have no business being in.

The death toll continues to rise as we as a nation allow our troops to continue to engage in wars in the name of venegance masked as a search for Weapons of Mass Destruction, or with the arrogant ambition of bringing democracy to other nations and cultures.

We sing “God Bless America” and then send our brothers and sisters into battle. We forbid our children to pray in school, go to court to remove the words “Under God” from our pledge, ban the ten commandments from public buildings and then BEG God to come save us from terrorists. God bless a nation full of a vengeful spirit. God bless Americans as we bomb, shoot, kill, maim and even torture people. If we believe women and children, innocent men and women have not died because of our weapons we are sadly mistaken. But God bless us anyway.

God does bless America. But we must turn our hearts towards Him. We must embrace this world He has given to us. We must LOVE OUR NEIGHBORS. We must DO UNTO OTHERS AS WE WOULD HAVE DONE TO US. We must honor our Fathers and our Mothers, including our Holy Father.

As we remember September 11, 2001, as we remember Hurricane Katrina, let us also remember our God has never left us, no matter how many times we have tried to leave Him. Let us remember He is a forgiving God. Let us remember He is not a vengeful God. Let us remember we are not worthy of His love, but He gives it to us anyway.

We were created in His image. It’s about time we started to act like it.

Dear Amy,

DIRECTV has received your gift redemption paperwork and it is complete. Please allow up to 8 weeks from the date of this email to receive your gift.

You will receive a shipping notification email when your gift is shipped from the warehouse so that you can track delivery of your package.

We hope that you are enjoying your programming and all the benefits of being a new DIRECTV subscriber.

Best regards,

DIRECTV, Inc.
Direct Sales Gift Redemption Program

(I am not on the Board, I am a concerned resident who attended last night’s meeting)

Agenda Item #1: Bike Racks
The condo board proposes purchasing 4-5 bike racks at $400 apiece to be placed near the street lamps in the neighborhood allowing bikes to be parked and stored as an alternative to storing them on patios and balconies. (It was stated by the board that bikes on patios and balconies is an eye sore).

Amy’s comment: The only bikes parked on the rack’s will be children’s and they will be vandalized and left and the grass will not be able to be mowed underneath and cars will be scratched that are parked near the bikes and it will become playground equipment instead of a storage solution. I live on the second floor, with limited storage space and I manage to haul my son’s bike up and down the stairs and to house it inside my home without any problem.

Resolution: Board decides against the purchase of bike racks.

Agenda Item #2: Speed Bumps
The condo board proposes purchasing four speed bumps at the cost of $3K to be placed on the two main side roads in the neighborhood. It is noted that speed bumps may not be place on the main thoroughfare because that road is not owned by the subdivision.

Amy’s comment: The goal was to get people to slow down before they reached the areas where kids play. The main flux of children in and around the parking areas/side roads are kids on bikes and skateboards. If you put a concrete bump in the road, you are only giving them encouragement to practice their jumps and moves in the street.

Resolution: Board decides against the purchase of speed bumps.

Agenda Item #3: Trash
The condo board does not see trash as a large issue worthy of comment or decision at this time. The board proposes the topic be “tabled” for a future meeting.

(large uproar by residents)

Amy’s comment: Trash seems to actually be a HUGE concern to residents and many more residents are in violation of this rule that the board seems to realize. I would suggest that the Management Company begin to do their tours of the neighborhood on the day BEFORE trash day to see how many residents are in violation of the regulations (trash on patios, trash on balconies, etc.) rather than visiting on trash day, when all bags are neatly gathered at the curb.

Resolution: Board decides to look into the schedule and to note violations.

Agenda Item #4: Association Fee
The condo board proposes a $2/month increase in the Association Fee for 2007, making the overall increase $31 in four year’s time. The board sites the increases costs in trash pick up as the primary reason for the increase in fees.

Amy’s comment: Solve the landscaping issues (grubs, dead trees, lack of shrubs), finish painting the doors, get the developer’s rusting trailers off the property, and make the overall appearance of our neighborhood similar to how it looked when it was NEW just four short years ago and then ask me for $2 more. Show me where my money is going.

Board’s response: Sometimes you have to put money out in order to get something good back.

Amy’s response: I just saved you $3K on speed bumps, $1600 on bike racks, put that towards the total you would have received from the increase in fees ($5400) and make the improvements.

Resolution: The board proposes keeping the Association Fee at the current rate for 2007.

Whose idea was it to have quarterly meetings that were open to residents instead of one big annual fight-fest? Me. So glad I suggested it.

I just realized (while trying to figure out how $20 is going to get me an oil change, tire rotation and a birthday gift) that I was so obsessed with making sure I gave LM his allowance from the change the waitress brought me last night at dinner that I NEVER LEFT A TIP.

Whatever have I done with my brain? I swear I was born with one.

I will have to stop by the restaurant on my way home, hanging my head in shame and give the woman her due. I’m so ashamed.

Update:

I went back last night (while running five other errands) and stopped in. I asked the hostess if she knew who was serving in that section last night, she didn’t. She asked me to describe the woman, which I did (sorta, I guess I’m bad at that sort of thing. Pray I’m never the key eye witness to a crime!) She finally decided to go get the manager, finally asking me what it was in regards to, so I told her my lame story and she said, “ooooh, that’s so sweet!!” Um, yeah, okay, let’s go with “sweet” rather than “early alzheimer’s”. While she was off to find the manager, another hostess asks me if this waitress walking towards me was her, and I said, no, but she was the bartender and so this hostess knows who the other woman must have been. This waitress continues to walk towards me so the hostess explains to her that I was looking for the other woman that was in the bar section last night (not that we normally sit in the bar but it was the first available table). I explain the situation and this waitress says, “well, we live together so I can give it to her, but we split our tips at the end of the night so it doesn’t really matter anyway.” I said, “I didn’t want her to think she was a bad waitress, she did an excellent job. Could you see that she gets this tip?” She shrugged like maybe yes, and maybe no but took my $7 anyway. Hopefully the nice waitress will get the money and at least know she didn’t do something wrong.

I’m not really here, I’m still on hiatus. It just seems that when you get used to documenting the (mundane) life that you lead, it’s hard to take a break. So, just pretend like you didn’t see me today.

Things I Know to be True:

1. The difference between a fourth-grade boy and a fifth-grade boy is that you have to shop in the men’s department for his shoes.
2. When your car won’t start in the parking lot of the bank and you have to pay to have it towed and pay to put in a new battery (the old one so dead it wouldn’t even jump start) and the total comes to an unexpected $200 on your Tuesday morning, you will be so incredibly grateful that this did NOT occur on the Ohio turnpike the day before that you will willingly and gleefully pay your local mechanic for the repairs.
3. Hanging out with Little Bird and George can help to suppress and distract from the agony of giving your dog away but upon arriving home, the sight of dog slobber on the wall can produce enough tears to drown in.
4. When you read the school supply list, where it says “no trapper keepers” you will find yourself lost in memories in the office supply aisle of Target, remembering how you used to spend hours at your best friend’s house rearranging your organizational system within your very own and much coveted, Trapper Keeper.
5. If your son uses pipe cleaners to make his yearly school sign (a sign that tells what grade he’s in that he holds up in his first day photo every year) the cats will think the pipe cleaners are there for the taking and will rip the paper apart in the night.
6. Without a dog in the house, you will remember that you do, in fact, have two cats who will now demand your attention.
7. If you allow your ten year old son to accompany you to the grocery store and invite him to help decide what you will stock the house with, you will need more than just a basket as you’ve grown accustomed to, and your total bill will quadruple.
8. If you simply want to add an “emergency phone” for use in your house (since you currently only have a cell phone) Verizon will charge you no less than DOUBLE your current bill to do so. Even if it’s a kid’s line. Even if the phone can’t dial more than 4 pre-programmed numbers. Even if you only want it in case he needs to dial 9-1-1. Even if.
9. If the U.S. Open is rain delayed and you continue to watch previous days’ play on the DVR, when you stop the recording you may freak out to see Agassi on Center Court playing James Blake – “wasn’t he just playing, but maybe that was two days ago…wasn’t he supposed to play Bagdadis next? How can this be the quarterfinals? They just played the first rounds….” Only to come to your senses and realize they are under rain delay AGAIN and are showing last year’s Open.
10. Sitting on side-by-side bar stools at the counter, with sloppy joes and baked beans for dinner, after Grace is said and you’re going through the highs and lows of the day with your son, you’ll realize once and again, there’s no place like home. And there’s no feeling in the world like being a mother.
11. Already relating to your new single-mom, mother of two, so recently divorced the ink isn’t yet dry neighbor, you will agree without pause or question to watch her six year old daughter in the mornings before school so the mom doesn’t have to drive all the way across town for day care and then try to hustle all the way back across and to the next town to get to work on time. You will agree to all of this, adamantly, without doubt, long before you register her words telling you that she will bring her daughter over at 7:20am. That’s AM. That’s BEFORE school. That’s before you’re normally out of the shower. Everyday. Way to go, Ames.

P.S. Here’s my unsolicited, completely shameless promotion for my latest most favorite find: Listerine Agent Blue Mouthwash stuff. I saw the commercial. I bought the product. It works like a dream. Your child swishes it like mouthwash BEFORE they brush and the blue sticks to plaque. Then they brush to get the blue OFF. It’s AWESOME!! With $2K worth of metal in his mouth and $5-6K more to go, there’s no way I’m letting this kid be a lazy brusher!

K. I’m done. I feel better now. I’ll be back in a week or two.

I didn’t understand God’s plan. I had thoroughly researched the breed prior to acceptance and had complete confidence that a mastiff would be perfect for my family. I dedicated time and finances to thorough training to address issues that were important to our situation. We had, by all accounts, been good, dedicated, concerned and responsible dog owners. But despite all of this, when I prayed for a solution, when I prayed for guidance on what to do now, the only answer that came was to “let him go.” God spoke to me through my breeder. She had sent a couple emails from people who were interested in a mastiff puppy but might consider a rescue instead. She was the one responsible for sending me the information I could not ignore. Reading about a family with four kids and six acres of land who had already rescued a previously abused and now people-shy mastiff, I couldn’t help but feel led to the conclusion that this is what God wanted me to do. This was the solution. Yet, driving with my much-loved pet and my saddened son to Indiana, I had trouble believing that this was truly the right decision. Surely I must have not done something right along the way and if I could just remedy that, then we could keep Gabe and all would be well.

We met the family without much impression. They were fine, not a thing wrong with the situation, nothing to scream at us that this was perfect or ideal, either. All that we felt for Gabe left us numbed to feeling anything about this new home. It could have been a dog’s heaven and I wouldn’t have wanted to leave him. As I unloaded Gabe’s blankets, dog bowls and food from the car, I had to keep pulling him back out of it. He was afraid, as he had been for the entire drive over, that he would be left. He hadn’t gone far from me or the car at any of the rest stops and was trying to secure his place on the return trip by staying firmly in the back seat.

When we left we didn’t look back. Eyes filled to the brim with tears, we weren’t out of their driveway before LM and I both were sobbing. I drove as fast as I could away from the home and out to the highway, eager to get to my sister’s to be distracted and supported. I tried to regain my composure to help show strength and confidence to LM. I started talking about a moment that I had with the mother, a moment that might help to explain God’s plan. The mother had shared with me the story of how they had come to having their cat, Stormy. Their Persian had passed away and she was not at all eager for another cat. But this grey cat showed up as a stray and made itself at home in their yard. They had been outside with their daughter one evening and the cat just came right over and jumped into Megan’s lap and made himself comfortable. The mother had explained that her daughter is very tactile, she loves animals and this was especially meaningful to have this cat take to her so well. Stormy became part of the family. As I relayed this information to LM, thinking that perhaps the daughter we didn’t get a chance to meet might be especially fond of Gabe, LM immediately jumped in with information he had learned when he had gone inside briefly. “She’s handicap, Mom. She’s in a wheelchair, one of those special motorized ones, like she won’t get out of it.”

Mastiffs are often trained to be therapy dogs because of their gentle demeanor and size. It’s easy for them to sit right next to a wheelchair and be within reach. They can place their head right into your lap, and they are very happy to sit that way for hours if you’ll just rub their heads or talk lovingly to them.

A thirty miles north of Fort Wayne, Indiana, a half hour after leaving a dog we both loved more than seems reasonable, LM and I were able to see the reason why, perhaps, God had led us to this family’s door. They weren’t the sort of people to actually put energy into training a dog. They might not even realize the impact a gentle, sweet, lovable mastiff might have with their daughter. But we think God does. We think it’s very clear why we had Gabe for the past two and a half years. Why we were so committed to his training, so dedicated to making sure he was obedient and gentle and well socialized around people and dogs. We just didn’t realize we were training a therapy dog for Megan.