My folks generously offered to take the grandkids to Washington, D.C. over spring break. Flash was already scheduled to see his dad, but 14 year-old Birdy and 10 year-old George were excited about a trip to the nation’s capital. Of all the things on their trip that my folks anticipated becoming conversation topics, the protestors outside the capital were not one of them. Their signs read: which of course, prompted George to ask: “What tip?” Ahh, the controversy of circumcision must now be explained to the boy who still believes farts are hysterical. My folks hung in the conversation long enough (much to Birdy’s dismay and protestations) but finally relented with the trite, “Ask your father.” Which George took to mean, “Ask your mother the minute you walk in the door at home.” He was not amused when he learned what the process involved. He was even less amused when his mother shared that George is, in fact, circumcised. Controversy, indeed.

It’s spring break, which means that we parents have a project list a mile long paired with the strong desire to take advantage of as many Date Nights as possible while the kids are away. Jules and Bear are no exception. Taking advantage of a gift card I gave them for Christmas, they went out to dinner this weekend at a local Mexican restaurant. Jules sent me a picture text of their meal and an explanation that it was a “tapas place” so I didn’t think the portions were just skimpy. When I read her text aloud to WG, excited that they were enjoying their night out, WG gasped, “Casa Bolero is a topless restaurant?!” Ah, men. Gotta love ’em.

While grocery shopping with the family, George saw a grape on the floor that someone had stepped on and said, “that looks like a squished testicle. I wonder where that came from.” Without even pausing, he answered his own question with, “I bet they fell out of someone’s purse.” Jules and Bear make note: if you’re going to routinely say that a certain friend’s wife carries his balls around in her purse, be prepared for George to interpret that at will.

My second mom was having a conversation with G’s girlfriend down in TN. They were in the kitchen talking, when Dad and G came into the room, entering into a conversation already well-underway. What Dad and G heard was my second mom explaining to D: “So if your honey gets hard – and mine does all the time – there’s a very easy way to get it soft again. You can just put it in the microwave and it softens right up!” Again, when having these conversations, it is best to not have them within earshot of any male. They just don’t take it right at all.

You knew it would happen. Sooner or later it always does. No matter how hard you fight it, or how long you try to stay in denial, it was bound to happen. Some things are just too good to be true and WG is one of them. He buys flowers because “it was a gloomy day”. He plans mysterious outings and takes me for day trips to the lake and antique shopping. He offers to grill samon for me because I don’t know how to do it. He says he’ll help level my stove, fix the side garage door and the weather stripping on the front door next time he’s here. He likes the same movies, the same food and the same lazy Sunday afternoons as I do. He has gone to church with me for a month straight and even signed the registry this week. He is amazed with my cooking and baking. When we made plans to go to a Red Sox v. Tigers game, he made certain to include Flash. Sigh. I knew it was too good. I knew it couldn’t possibly be real. I knew that sooner or later something would come up that would be a deal breaker. How could a guy so great be single?! I was prepared for all the usual scenarios – to find out he still calls his mother routinely for advice; that he isn’t quite over his ex; that he has two kids by three different mothers; that he’s eight months into his recovery from addiction – but it was none of the obvious things. We got past all the initial red flag zones with ease, I was very nearly to the point of thinking this might just be the one to last – Until now. I don’t think it’s something we can move past. I don’t think it’s something that I can see myself living with on a daily basis. While I adore this man, I think we have come to the deal-breaking impasse: WG loves coconut. How will we ever go on? 🙂

From this

To this.

All in one day. Thanks to a boy with a tractor, a teenager with an eagerness to help (the opportunity to drive the tractor may have helped), a brother-in-law with a truck to haul the remains away and the sweat energy that’s given out of love.

As a side note, if you are spending the day with a man and a teenage boy, refrain from using the terms “bush-free” or “yank”. It sends them both into continuous fits of giggles.

Today, WG, Flash and I went to the youth auction after church. There are many items up for bid during a silent auction session followed by a live auction for larger items, with all proceeds going to support the youth programs at our church. After enjoying a nice spaghetti lunch, WG and I wandered through the silent auction items. The first I came to that gave me pause was a basket filled with baby items. With friends expecting later this year, I thought perhaps that might make a nice gift. I decided to pass when I realized that after bringing a new boy with me to church for the past few weeks, it probably wouldn’t look good for MY name to appear on an auction list for baby items. This is how rumors start, you know. Later, during the second part of the auction, the live auction for larger items, WG leaned over and pointed at the brochure listing for a weekend getaway. Thinking it might be fun to gather up some of our friends and enjoy a fall weekend at the lake, he suggested we bid. It didn’t take us long to chuckle and shake our heads. Two newly dating people at church probably shouldn’t bid on the weekend getaway, either. Blasted rumors. So, we left the auction with money in our pockets – but not without winning one item from the silent auction. We thought heading home with an amazing cheesecake would keep us safe from any potential rumors. Of course, if I keep eating this amazingly decadent dessert, those pregnancy rumors might start up regardless.

Flash: “Hey Mom, when you are at the grocery store this weekend, can you pick up two different kinds of cereal for me?”

Mom: “Hey Flash?! I have something amazing to show you!! Do you see this paper on the side of the fridge? Do you see it? This is truly remarkable so pay close attention! When you take this pen and you write something on this paper, like, let’s say, “Cheerios” and “oatmeal”, on Sunday afternoon, when you roll out of bed at noon – now listen closely, here’s the amazing part – the Cheerios and oatmeal will be in the cabinet!! I know, it’s too much to even believe! It’s astounding and remarkable and very nearly magical!! Go ahead. Try it! Put a few items on this piece of paper and see if they aren’t not only in the house – but where they belong when you get up on Sunday!! Even more amazing, is that sometimes, there are things that you need, but you totally forget to put them on this magical piece of paper and do you know what?! They still SHOW UP! Like toilet paper, or sandwich bread, or even things to make a decent meal for KICK’N! (ahem). It’s just amazing!!”

I got the teenage eye-roll from Flash for that one. I think that’s a sign that I’m hysterically entertaining. But I could be wrong.